" W E I R D A L " Y A N K O V I C ...................................... WEIRD AL YANKOVIC EVEN WORSE ----------------- ---------- Ricky Fat Gotta Boogie Stuck In A Closet With Vanna White I Love Rocky Road This Song's Just Six Words Long Buckingham Blues You Make Me Happy Birthday I Think I'm A Clone Now Stop Dragging My Car Around Lasagna My Bologna Melanie The Check's In The Mail Alimony Another One Rides The Bus Velvet Elvis I'll Be Mellow When I'm Dead Twister Such A Groovy Guy Good Old Days Mr Frump In The Iron Lung IN 3 - D U.H.F. -------- ------ Eat It Beverly Hillbilies Midnight Star Ghandi II The Brady Bunch Attack Of The Radioactive Hamsters Buy Me A Condo From A Planet Near Mars I Lost On Jeopardy Isle Thing Polka's On 45 The Hot Rocks Polka Mr Popiel U H F King Of Suede Let Me Be Your Hog That Boy Could Dance She Drives Like Crazy Theme From "Rocky XIII" Generic Blues Nature Trail To Hell Spatula City Fun Zone Spam DARE TO BE STUPID The Biggest Ball Of Twine In Minnesota ----------------- Like A Surgeon Dare To Be Stupid I Want A New Duck One More Minute Yoda George Of The Jungle Slime Creatures From Outter Space Girls Just want To Have Lunch This Is The Life Cable TV Hooked On Polkas POLKA PARTY OFF THE DEEP END ----------- ---------------- Living With A Hernia Smells Like Nirvana Dog Eat Dog Trigger Happy Addicted To Spuds I Can't Watch This One Of Those Days Polka Your Eyes Out Polka Party I Was Only Kidding Here's Johnny The White Stuff Don't Wear Those Shoes When I Was Your Age Toothless People Taco Grande Good Enough For Now Airline Amy Christmas At Ground Zero The Plumbing Song Don't Love Me Anymore WEIRD AL YANKOVIC ================= "Ricky" ------- Hey Lucy, I'm home! Oh, Ricky, you're so fine, You're so fine you blow my mind. Hey, Ricky! Hey, Ricky! Oh, Lucy, you're so fine, You're so fine you blow my mind. Hey, Lucy! Hey, Lucy! Oh, Ricky, you're so fine, You play your bongos all the time. Hey, Ricky! Hey, Ricky! Oh, Lucy, you're so fine, How I love to hear you whine. Hey, Lucy. * Hey, Ricky! You always play your conga drums. You think you got the right. You wake up little Ricky In the middle of the night. Stop shakin' your maracas now, And just turn out the light, Ricky. I'm sick of Fred and Ethel Always comin' over here, 'Cause Fred eats all our pretzel sticks And then he spills his beer. Why don't you serve your casserole And make them disappear, Lucy? Oh, Ricky, What's a girl like me supposed to do? You really drive me wild When you sing your Ba-ba-lu. Oh, Lucy, you're so dizzy, Don't you have a clue? Well, here's to you, Lucy. I love you too, Lucy, too, Lucy. Let's Ba-ba-lu, Lucy. Hey, Ricky! You're always playin' at the club, You never let me go. I'm beggin' and I'm pleadin', But you always tell me no. Oh please, honey, please. Let me be in your show, Ricky. Waaa... You always burn the roast, And you drop the dishes too. You iron my new shirt, And you burn a hole right through. You're such a crazy redhead, I just don't know what to do, Lucy. Oh, Ricky, What a pity, don't you understand That every day's a rerun, And the laughter's always canned. Oh, Lucy, I'm the Latin leader of the band. So here's to you, Lucy, Let's Ba-ba-lu, Lucy, do, Lucy...everybody rumba! * huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh "Gotta Boogie" -------------- Gotta boogie. Gotta boogie. Gotta boogie. Gotta boogie. I gotta boogie! (Gotta boogie) I gotta boogie! (Gotta boogie) I gotta boogie! (Gotta boogie) Gotta boogie on my finger, And I can't shake it off! Well, I went out to a party Just the other night. I was jammin' to the music, I was feelin' all right. I was burnin' up the floor, Like a disco maniac, When my woman said, "Baby, why's your hand behind your back?" Gotta boogie! (Gotta boogie) I said boogie! (Gotta boogie) I gotta boogie! (Gotta boogie) Gotta boogie on my finger, And I can't shake it off! I can't pick it off! (Oh no) I can't flick it off! (Oh no) I sure ain't gonna lick it off! (Oh no) So I guess I'm gonna have to learn to Live with it. I gotta boogie! (Gotta boogie, uh huh, he gotta boogie) Gotta boogie! (Gotta boogie, uh huh, he gotta boogie) Gotta boogie! (Gotta boogie, uh huh, he gotta boogie) Gotta boogie on my finger, And I can't shake it off! (Boogie!) Gotta boogie. (Boogie!) Hey, you wanna boogie? (No, man, I don't want a boogie!) Wanna boogie? (Get that boogie outta my face!) Do any of you wanna boogie? (No!!!) Gotta boogie on my finger, Gotta boogie on my finger, Gotta boogie on my finger, And I can't shake it off! "I love Rocky Road" -------------------- I hear those Ice cream bells and I start to drool, Keep a couple Quarts in my locker at school Yeah, but chocolates gettin old, Vanilla just leaves me cold, There's just one flavor good enough for me, yeah me, Don't gimme no crummy taste spoon, I know what I need, baby I love Rocky Road, so won't you go and buy a half gallon baby I love rocky Road, so have another triple scoop with me, OW! They tell me Ice Cream Junkies are all the same, all the soda jerkers know my name, When their supply is gone, then I'll be movin on But I'll be back on Monday afternoon, You'll see, another truckloads comin in for me, all for me, I'm singin I love Rocky Road, so won't you go and buy a half gallon baby I love Rocky Road, so have another triple scoop with me, OW! * Oh, make it talk. When I'm all alone, I just grab my self a cone, and if i get fat and lose my teeth that's fine with me, just lock me in the freezer, throw away the key, singin, I love Rocky Road, so won't you go and buy a half gallon baby I love Rocky Road, so have another triple scoop with I love Rocky Road, so won't you go and buy a half gallon baby I love rocky Road, so have another triple scoop with I love Rocky Road, so won't you go and buy a half gallon baby I love Rocky Road, so have another triple scoop with I love Rocky Road, so won't you go and buy a half gallon baby I love Rocky Road, so have another triple scoop with me! "Buckingham Blues" ------------------ Gonna tell you a story About Chuck and Diane. Couple British kids from The palace at Buckingham. Chuckie wants to grow up And be a polo star, And ride his little horsies All around the backyard, oh yeah. You know they really paid their dues. I said hey, lawdy mama. They got them Buckingham blues. Now Chuckie goes hunting, And leaves Diane alone. So she fixes her hair, And she talks on the Princess Phone. Chuckie's still tryin' to figure out What his job's supposed to be, And Diane's the fashion leader Of the aristocracy. I said hey, Lady Di, Tell me where'd you get them shoes? Ah, Well hey nonny nonny, Looks like you got them Buckingham blues. Aw, bein' heir to the throne, well It must be awful hard. Gotta pose for pictures Out on the front yard. And Lady Di, well, She must have it pretty rough. Gotta hang around the house all day, Makin' babies and stuff. Another game of croquet, Then they're off on a Caribbean cruise. Well hey bop-a-re-bop, They really got them Buckingham blues. Ah, tell the truth, now, tell the truth - Wow! * Ah got my mojo workin'! Yeh! Wooh! Don't help me now. Ah, hurt me mama. Whoah! Ahhhhhh-! They don't serve no Twinkies With their afternoon tea. Never had a dinner Made by Chef Boy-ar-Dee. Bein' in the spotlight Is a hard life to choose. Diane drops half a pound, It's on the six o'clock news. Ah yeah, Those kids have really paid their dues. Aw, what a royal pain it is, When you got them Buckingham blues. "Happy Birthday" ---------------- Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday to you! Well it's time to celebrate your birthday, It happens every year. We'll eat a lot of broccoli, and drink a lot of beer. You should be good and happy that there's somethin' you can eat. A million people every day are starvin' in the street. Your daddy's in the gutter with the wretched and the poor. Your mama's in the kitchen with a can of Cycle Four. There's garbage in the water, There's poison in the sky. I guess it won't be long before we're all gonna die! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday to you! Well, what's the matter, little friend, you think this party is the pits? Enjoy it while you can. We'll soon be blown to bits! The monkeys in the Pentagon are gonna cook our goose. Their finger's on the button, all they need is an excuse. It doesn't take a military genius to see We'll all be Crispy Critters after World War III. There's nowhere you can run to, Nowhere you can hide. When they drop the big one, We all get fried. Come on, boys and girls, sing along, okay? Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday to you! * Well, there's a punk in the alley, and he's lookin' for a fight. There's an Arab on the corner buyin' everything in sight. There's a mother in the ghetto with another mouth to feed. Seems that everywhere you look today, there's misery and greed. I guess you know the Earth is gonna crash into the sun, But that's no reason why we shouldn't have a little fun. So if you think it's scary, if it's more than you can take, Just blow out the candles, And have a piece of cake. Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday to you! (wow!) Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday to you! (Happy Birthday!) And a pinch to grow an inch! "Stop Draggin' My Car Around" ----------------------------- Had to park my car for just five minutes. I had to go inside to use the phone. When I came back again, my car was gone. Well, I didn't know it was a loading zone. What a bummer, I as so brought down. I had to chase that tow truck a over town, yellin' Stop draggin' my... Stop draggin' my... Stop draggin' my car around. Took my baby to the local disco. I was jumpin' like a maniac. But the owner came and pulled me off the floor. Then he, He took me to his little office in the back. He said, "I really like your snaggletooth necklace. Your pants are groovy, and your hair's okay. But, man, that car of yours is so uncool. Like wow, I'm sorry, but we towed it away!" Stop draggin' my... Stop draggin' my... Stop draggin' my car around! * Now I'm at home. I'm watchin' "Gilligan's Island." Guess it's time to trade my old car in. For twenty dollars and my '64 Plymouth, Maybe I could get a second-hand Schwinn. Look out the window, there's a Tow truck in the driveway. I grabbed the driver and I asked him why. He said, "I'm sorry, kid, you're late with the payments. It's time to kiss your little car goodbye." Stop draggin' my... Stop draggin' my... Stop draggin' my car around! Stop draggin' my car around. Listen, the check's in the mail. No, really! Stop draggin' my car around! Oh man, I just had the hub caps painted! Stop draggin' my car around! Hey! Hey, I left a sandwich in the back seat! Stop draggin' my car around. Oh... Stop draggin' my car around. "My Bologna" ------------ Oooh, my little hungry one, Hungry one. Open up a package of my bologna. Oooh, I think the toast is done, The toast is done. Top it with a little of my bologna. Never gonna stop, Eat it up. Such a tasty snack, I always eat too much, And throw up. But I'll soon be back For my my my yi yi wooo! M-M-M-My-yi-yi wooo! M-M-M-My bologna. Spreadin' on the mustard now, A-show me how. Spread it on a little of this bologna. Hopin' that we don't run out, Don't run out. If we do, I'm sure that I'll miss bologna. Never gonna stop, Eat it up. Such a tasty snack, I always eat too much, And throw up. But I'll soon be back For my my my yi yi wooo! M-M-M-My-yi-yi wooo! M-M-M-My bologna. M-M-M-My bologna, hey. Goin' to the market now, Market now. I'm the city's biggest bologna buyer. Walkin' down the shopping aisles, Shopping aisles. Fillin' up my basket with Oscar Mayer. Never gonna stop, Eat it up. Such a tasty snack, I always eat too much, And throw up. But I'll soon be back For my my my yi yi wooo! M-M-M-My-yi-yi wooo! M-M-M-My bologna. M-M-M-My bologna. M-M-M-My bologna. M-M-M-My bologna. "The Check's In The Mail" ------------------------- Well, hey, how ya doin'? Have a seat. Have a drink. Boy, it's good to see ya. What can I say? Wo, sorry, gotta run. We'll get together again. Say, what was your name, anyway? Well, we're workin' on the problem. We'll get back to ya soon. (yeah) But don't try to call me. I'll be in a meeting every afternoon. For a year. Maybe longer. Keep in touch. Thanks for droppin' by, and have a nice day. The check's in the mail. (hey!) You're beautiful. Don't ever change. (You know what I mean) My girl will call your girl. We'll talk. We'll do lunch. Or leave a message on my machine. So baby, Won't you sign On the dotted line. I'm gonna make your dreams come true. The check's in the mail. Would I lie to you? Well, hey. Wait a minute. Whattsa matter? Hold on. You want me to fork over the loot? You say you hate my guts? You wanna take me to court? And you got yourself a lawyer with a three-piece suit? Well, I'm proud to say you're not The only critic of mine. (yeah) So if you wanna sue me, I'm afraid you're gonna have to wait in line. Take a number. Thanks for calling. Who loves ya, baby? Don't forget to read the fine print. Say, the check's in the mail. (hey!) You're beautiful. Don't ever change. (You know what I mean) My girl will call your girl. We'll talk. We'll do lunch. Or leave a message on my machine. So baby, Won't you sign On the dotted line. I'm gonna make your dreams come true. The check's in the mail. Would I lie to you? Aw, trust me! * The check's in the mail. (hey!) You're beautiful. Don't ever change. (You know what I mean) Why don't you leave a message with my girl, Or have lunch with your machine. So baby, Won't you sign On the dotted line. I'm gonna make your dreams come true. The check's in the mail. Would I lie to you? The check's in the mail. Would I lie to you? "Another One Rides The Bus" --------------------------- Ridin' in a bus down the boulevard, And the place was pretty packed. Couldn't find a seat, so I had to stand, With the perverts in the back. It was smellin' like a locker room. There was junk all over the floor. We're already packed in like sardines, But we're stoppin' to pick up more. Look out! Another one rides the bus-ah. Another one rides the bus-ah. And another comes on, And another comes on. Another one rides the bus. Hey! He's gonna sit by you. Another one rides the bus. There's a suitcase pokin' me in the ribs. There's an elbow in my ear. There's a smelly old bum standin' next to me. Hasn't showered in a year. Well, I think I'm missin' a contact lens. I think my wallet's gone. And I think this bus is stoppin' again, To let a couple more freaks get on. Look out! Another one rides the bus-ah. Another one rides the bus-ah. And another comes on. And another comes on. Another one rides the bus-ah. Hey! He's gonna sit by you. Another one rides the bus. (yeh) huh ah huh ah huh ah huh ah Another one rides the bus. Another one rides the bus-ow! Another one rides the bus-hey, hey! Another one rides the bus-hey-y-y-y! The window doesn't open, and the fan is broke, And my face is turnin' blue. (ugh) I haven't been in a crowd like this Since I went to see The Who. Well, I should'a got off a couple miles ago, But I couldn't get to the door. There isn't any room for me to breathe. Now we're gonna pick up more, yeah! Another one rides the bus-ah. Another one rides the bus-ah. And another comes on. And another comes on. Another one rides the bus-ah. Hey! He's gonna sit by you. Another one rides the bus. Go! (go) Yeh! (yeh). "I'll Be Mellow When I'm Dead" ------------------------------ I don't care about your Karma. I don't care about what's hip. No space cadet's gonna tell me what to do. I won't swim in your jacuzzi. You can't make me settle down. I'd rather kick and jump and bite and scratch And scream until I'm blue. I may as well be hyper, As long as I'm still around. 'Cause I'll have lots of time to be laid back, When I'm six feet under ground. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. When are you Cosmic cowboys Gonna get it through your head. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I can't stand the smell of incense. I don't really like to jog. No Joni Mitchell eight-tracks in my car. (ooh) I hate anything organic. Even health food makes me sick. You won't catch me sipping Perrier Down in some sushi bar. I tell you, now's the time to go for All the gusto you can grab. You'll have plenty of time to be low-key When you're laid out on the slab. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. When are you Cosmic cowboys Gonna get it through your head. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when i'm dead. Ow! Bobcat! * I don't want no part of that vegetarian scene. I won't buy me a pair of designer jeans. No redwood hot tub to my name. I got all that I want, And if it's all the same to you, I don't need a course in self-awareness To find out who I am. And I'd rather have a Big Mac or a Jumbo Jack Than all the bean sprouts in Japan! So don't ask me what I'm into. I don't need to prove I'm cool. I'll break your arm, If you ask me what's my sign. I won't tell you where my head's at. I don't need to see no shrink. Psychosis may be in this year, But I'm really not that kind, And I'm in no hurry to be casual. In fact I think I'll wait Until I'm pushing up the daisies. (Like, wow, man, can you relate?) I'll be mellow when I'm dead, I'll be mellow when I'm dead, I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead, I'll be mellow when I'm dead, I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead, I'll be mellow when I'm dead, I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. I'll be mellow when I'm dead. "Such A Groovy Guy" ------------------- I got my alligator boots. I wear my pants skin tight. I wear my dark sunglasses in the middle of the night. And when I look in the mirror, oh it's such an awesome sight. It makes me want to kneel down and pray. I'm so adorable and charming. I'm sure that you can see. And everybody's always tryin' to hang around with me. They tell me I'm the greatest, and it's hard to disagree. 'Cause I'm so perfect in every way. And I'm so cute, I can hardly stand it. And I'm so handsome, honey, I could just die. I know you'll never be as wonderful as me, But at least you can try. 'Cause I'm such a groovy guy. (such a groovy guy) Yeah, I'm such a groovy guy. (such a groovy guy) I'm such a groovy guy. (such a groovy guy) Yeah, I'm such a groovy guy. Baby, are you in the mood for a little romance? Well, for starters I could pour some chocolate pudding down your pants. And then attach electrodes to your brain, and watch you dance. Well, golly, wouldn't that be fun? Oh, and then I might decide to tie you up with dental floss. I'll make you wear a harness, and I'll show ya who's the boss. Of course, if you refuse, well honey, it's your loss. I mean, I don't do this with just anyone. So baby, how can you say its all over? So how can ya tell me goodbye? So now you tell me that you're leavin' me for good, And all I wanna know is why? I mean, after all, I'm really such a groovy guy. (such a groovy guy) Yeah, I'm such a groovy guy. (such a groovy guy) I'm such a groovy guy. (such a groovy guy) Yeah, I'm such a groovy guy. I mean you could do worse. * I'm such a groovy guy. (such a groovy guy) Yeah, I'm such a groovy guy. (such a groovy guy) I'm just such a groovy guy. (such a groovy guy) I'm such a groovy guy. (such a groovy guy) Baby, I tell ya I'm such a groovy guy, I'm (such a groovy guy) Yeah, I'm such a groovy guy, I'm (such a groovy guy) Such a groovy guy. (such a groovy guy) Such a groovy guy, such a groovy guy. (such a groovy guy) Such a groovy guy. (such a groovy guy) Such a groovy groovy guy, such a groovy guy. (such a groovy guy) (such a groovy guy) (such a groovy guy) "Mr. Frump In The Iron Lung" ---------------------------- I visit Mr. Frump in the hospital. I see him 'most every day. And when I see Mr. Frump in his iron lung, This is what I hear him say: (iron lung sounds) Ya know, Mr. Frump is my very best friend. He's never a chump or a tease. He never tells me lies, and best of all, He never disagrees. I bring him candy and flowers every afternoon. Sit down by his side and say "Hi". And then I ask him his opinion of the world situation, And I wait for Mr. Frump's reply. And Mr. Frump would say: (iron lung sounds) Well, unfortunately, soon it came to be Mr. Frump's dying day. So now I bring to you the very last thing That Mr. Frump had to say: (rapid iron lung sounds) A-men! ----- IN 3 - D ========= "Eat It" -------- How come you're always such a fussy young man? Don't want no Captain Crunch, don't want no Raisin Bran. Well, don't you know that other kids are starving in Japan? So eat it. Just eat it. Don't wanna argue, I don't wanna debate. Don't wanna hear about what kind of food you hate. You won't get no dessert till you clean off your plate, So eat it. Don't you tell me you're full Just eat it. (eat it) Eat it. (eat it) Get yourself an egg and beat it. Have some more chicken, Have some more pie. It doesn't matter if It's boiled or fried. Just eat it. (eat it) Just eat it. (eat it) Just eat it. (eat it) Just eat it. (eat it) Ooh! Your table manners are a cryin' shame. You're playin' with your food, this ain't some kind of game. Now if you starve to death, You'll just have yourself to blame, So eat it. Just eat it. You better listen, better do what you're told. You haven't even touched your tuna casserole. You better chow down, or it's gonna get cold. So eat it. I don't care if you're full. Just eat it. (eat it) Eat it. (eat it) Open up your mouth and feed it. Have some more yogurt, have some more spam. It doesn't matter if it's fresh or canned. Just eat it. (eat it) Eat it. (eat it) Don'tcha make me repeat it. Have a banana. Have a whole bunch. It doesn't matter what you had for lunch. Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it. Eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it. huh huh huh huh huh * Eat it. (eat it) Eat it. (eat it) If it's gettin' cold, reheat it. Have a big dinner, have a light snack, If you don't like it, you can't send it back, Just eat it. (eat it) Eat it. (eat it) Get yourself an egg and beat it. (Oh, Lord) Have some more chicken, have some more pie, It doesn't matter if it's boiled or fried, Just eat it. (eat it) Eat it. (eat it) Don'tcha make me repeat it. Have a banana. Have a whole bunch. It doesn't matter what you had for lunch. "Midnight Star" --------------- I was waiting in the express lane with my twelve items or less, At the checkout counter at the local grocery store. I was only passin' by, But a paper caught my eye, And I learned a few things I never knew before. It said, "Your pet may be an extraterrestrial." It said, "The ghost of Elvis is living in my den. You can learn to cope with stress, And you can beat the IRS, And the incredible frog boy is on the loose again!" Oh, The Midnight Star! It's in the weekly Midnight Star. Aliens from outer space are sleeping in my car. Midnight Star, I wanna know, I wanna know. Eat jelly doughnuts and lose twenty pounds a day. Hear the story of the man born without a head. And top psychics all agree That the telephone company Will have a brand new service that lets you talk to the dead. Oh, The Midnight Star! You can believe it if you read it in the weekly Midnight Star. They're keeping Hitler's brain alive inside a jar. Midnight Star, I wanna know, I wanna know. * (Tell me, tell me, tell me how to make my bust-line grow.) Midnight Star, I wanna know... Oh, Midnight Star! Well, don'tcha know that I read it, I read it in the weekly Midnight Star. The UFO's have landed and we'll tell you where they are. Midnight Star, I wanna know, I wanna know, Midnight Star. Well, you can read all about it in the weekly Midnight Star. You can use your ESP to learn to play guitar. I wanna know, I wanna know. (Oh, Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know. (Oh, Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know. (Oh, Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know. (Oh, Midnight Star) Inquiring minds like mine wanna know. (You can read it, you can read it, you can read it, you can read it in the Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know. (You can read it, you can read it, you can read it, you can read it in the Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know. (You can read it, you can read it, you can read it, you can read it in the Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know. (You can read it, you can read it, you can read it, you can read it in the Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know. (You can read it, you can read it, you can read it, you can read it in the Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know. (You can read it, you can read it, you can read it, you can read it in the Midnight Star) I wanna know, I wanna know. (You can read it, you can read it, you can read it, you can read it in the Midnight Star) I wanna know. "The Brady Bunch" ----------------- You can watch Mister Rogers, You can watch Three's Company, And you can turn on Fame, Or the Newlywed Game, Or the Addams Family. Say, you can watch Barney Miller, And you can watch your MTV, And you can watch Till your eyes fall out of your head. That'll be okay with me. And you can watch (TV) You can watch Johnny Carson, You can watch Phil Donahue, And you can use TV Guide To help you decide, With a capsulized review. Say, you can watch 60 minutes, Even Captain Kangaroo, But there's only one set, So whatever you watch Well, you know I gotta watch it too. A-say, give it up, give it up. Television's takin' its toll. That's enough, that's enough. Gimme the remote control. I've been nice, I've been good. Please don't do this to me. Turn it off, turn it off. I don't wanna have to see The Brady Bunch. Not the Brady Bunch. Well, the Brady Bunch. Yeah, the Brady Bunch. * It's the story of a lovely lady, Who was bringing up three very lovely girls. All of them had hair of gold, Like their mother, The youngest one in curls. It's the story of a man named Brady Who was busy with three boys of his own. They were four men living all together, A-yeah, but they were all alone. Till then one day, a-one day When the lady met this fellow And they knew, and they knew It was much more than a hunch That the group, a-this group Must somehow form a family. That's the way, that's the way, That's the way they all became the Brady Bunch. Well, the Brady Bunch, Yeah, the Brady Bunch, Well, the Brady Bunch. Oh, it's the Brady Bu-unch, it's the Brady Bunch, oh, it's the Brady Bunch, Yeah, oh the Brady Bunch, it's the Brady Bunch, well, it's the Brady Bunch, well, it's the Brady Bunch, well, it's the Brady Bunch, it's the Brady Bunch. "Buy Me A Condo" ---------------- Gonna buy me a condo. Gonna buy me a Cuisinart. Get de wall-to-wall carpeting. Get de wallet full o' credit cards. I gonna buy me a condo. Never have to mow de lawn. Gonna get me de T-shirt With the alligator on. Wo-o-o, used to live in Jamaica, But I don't live dere no more. Had to change me lifestyle, Do t'ings I never done before. So now I'm just a lonely Rastaman, Living in dis American town. Gonna sell me Bob Marley records, Gonna get me some Jackson Browne. I'm gonna buy me a condo. Gonna buy me a Cuisinart. Get de wall-to-wall carpeting. And get de wallet full o' credit cards. I gonna buy me a condo. Never have to mow de lawn. (ah--, ah--) Gonna get me de T-shirt With the alligator on. Wo, gonna cut off me dreadlocks, T'row away all me ganja. I'll have a Tupperware party, Maybe join me a health spa. (ah--, ah--) I'll get a bowl of plastic fruit, And a microwave oven too. (ah--, ah--) Then I'll have the neighbors over For a weenie barbecue. Gonna buy me a condo. Gonna buy me a Cuisinart. Get de wall-to-wall carpeting. Get de wallet full of credit cards, oh oh, I gonna buy me a condo. Never have to mow de lawn. (ah--, ah--) I get de funny little T-shirt With the alligator on. Ain't gonna work in the field no more. Gonna be Amway distributor. Ain't gonna work in the field no more, no, no. Gonna be Amway distributor. (Jah) Jah, jah, jah, Life is so very hard, I need a (jah) jah, jah, jah Jacuzzi in me backyard. Gonna buy me a condo. Gonna buy me a cuisinart. Get de wall-to-wall carpeting. N'get de wallet full of credit cards. I gonna buy me a condo. Never have to mow de lawn. (ah, he got to mow de lawn) Gonna get me de T-shirt With the alligator on. What you say? Gonna buy me a condo. Gonna buy me a cuisinart. Get de wall-to-wall carpeting. Get de wallet full of credit cards. I gonna buy me a condo. Never have to mow de lawn. Gonna get me de T-shirt With the alligator on. What you say? Gonna buy me a condo. Gonna buy me a cuisinart. Get de wall-to-wall carpeting. Get de wallet full of credit cards. I gonna buy me a condo. Never have to mow the lawn. Gonna get me de T-shirt With the alligator on. "I Lost On Jeopardy" ------------------- Ohhhhhh... I was there, to match my intellect, on national TV, Against a plumber, and an architect, both with a Ph.D. I was tense, I was nervous, I guess it just wasn't my night. Art Fleming gave the answers, Oh, but I couldn't get the questions right, ite, ite. I lost on Jeopardy, baby, (oooh). I lost on Jeopardy, baby, (oooh). Well I knew I was in trouble now, My hope of winning sank, 'Cause I got the Daily Double now, And then my mind went blank. I took Potpourri for one hundred, And then my head started to spin. Well, I'm givin' up. Don Pardo, Just tell me now what I didn't win, yea, yea. I lost on Jeopardy, baby, (oooh). I lost on Jeopardy, baby, (oooh). That's right Al--yoou lost! And let me tell what you didn't win: a twenty-volume set of the Encyclopedia International, a case of Turtle Wax, and a year's supply of Rrice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat. But that's not all! You also made yourself look like a jerk in front of millions of people! And you brought shame and disgrace on your family name for generations to come! You don't get to come back tomorrow! You don't even get a lousy copy of your home game! You're a complete loser!! Don't know what I was thinkin' of, I guess I just wasn't too bright. Well, I sure hope I do better Next weekend on the Price Is Right, ite, ite. I lost on Jeopardy, baby, (oooh). I lost on Jeopardy, baby, (oooh). I lost on Jeopardy, baby. "Polkas on 45" -------------- They tell us that we lost our tails, Evolving up from little snails. I say it's all just wind and sails. Are we not men, we are devo. Are we not men, D-E-V-O. Smoke on the water. A fire in the sky. Smoke on the water. (I'm a man) I'm a boy. (I'm a man) Well, I'm your mother. (I'm a man) I'm a one-night stand. (I'm a man) Am I by? (I'm a man) I'm your slave. I'm a little girl, When we make love together. Hey, hey, hey! Jude, don't make it bad, Take a sad song and make it better. Remember to let her into your heart, Then you can start to make it better, Better, better, better, better, better, yeah! L. A. woman. You're my woman. Got my mojo risin'. Mister Mojo risin'. Hey! In a gada da vida, honey, Don'tcha know that I love you. In a gada da vida, baby, Don'tcha know that I'll always be true-ooh-ooh. Hey Joe, where ya goin' with that gun in your hand? Hey Joe! Where ya goin' with that gun in your hand? Gonna shoot my old lady. Caught her messin' around with another man. Yoddle-ay-ee, yoddle-ay-he-hoo. Yoddle-ay-ee, yoddle-ay-he-hoo. Yoddle-ay-ee, yoddle-ay-he-hoo. Yoddle-ay he-hoo. I'm an ordinary guy, burnin' down the house. I'm hot blooded, check it and see. Got a fever of a hundred and three. Come on, baby, you can do more than dance. I'm hot blooded, hot blooded! Every breath you take, (huh huh huh) every move you make, (huh huh huh) Every bod you break, every step you take, I'll be watchin' you. Darling, you gotta let me know, Should I stay, or should I go? If you say that you are mine, I'll be here till the end of time. But you gotta let me know, wo-wo-wo. Should I stay, or should I go? But it's all right now, in fact it's a gas. But it's all right--jumpin' jack flash, it's a gas, gas, gas! People try to put us down. (Talkin' bout my generation) Just because we get around. (Talkin' bout my generation) Singley do look awful c-c-cold. (Talkin' bout my generation) Hope I die before I get old. (Talkin' bout my generation) This is my generation. This is my generation, baby. My my my my My generation. Well, talkin' bout my g-g-g-g-g g-g-generation! Hey! "Mr. Popiel" ------------ I need a Vegematic! I need a Pocket Fisherman! I need a handy appliance That'll scramble an egg while it's still inside its shell! (Operators are standing by. How does that make you feel?) Help me, Mr. Popiel! I wanna shine some pennies! I wanna mend some leather! I wanna Krazy-Glue my head to the bottom of a big steel girder! (Please, no C.O.D.'s. Don't miss out on this deal.) Ah, help me, Mr. Popiel! Help me. Mr. Popiel. Mr. Popiel. Mr. Popiel. (Wo-o, wo-o. Ohhhhhh.) It slices. It dices. Look at that tomato! You could even cut a tin can with it, But you wouldn't want to! (Mr. Popiel, I'm in trouble. Need your assistance on the double) Oh no! Now how am I gonna make My old vinyl car top look like new? (Mr. Popiel!) Tell me, what am I sposed to do? Mr. Popiel! Mr. Popiel! (Now how much would you pay?) But wait, there's more! It's not sold in any store! (Now how much would you pay?) Don't answer yet, Just look what else you get! (Now how much would you pay?) If you order today, You get a Ginsu knife and a smokeless Ashtray! (Now how much would you pay?) Now how much would you pay? Mr. Popiel, Mr. Popiel. Mr. Popiel, Mr. Popiel. Mr. Popiel, Mr. Popiel. Mr. Popiel, Mr. Popiel. Make me buy a Garden Weasel! Make me buy a Bamboo Steamer! Make me take advantage Of this amazing TV offer! (Call our toll-free number, We'll make you such a deal.) Aw, help me! Mr. Popiel. I want it! (Mr. Popiel.) Well, I need it! (Mr. Popiel.) I got to got to got to have it! Mr. Popiel! Mr. popiel! Hey! "King of Suede" --------------- There's a sale on our gabardine suits today. They're all thirty-percent off from yesterday. There's Fortrel polyester, leather, wool and tweed. Just a VISA or Mastercard is all you need. We've got every color, we've got ev'ry shade. We're located next door to Willy's Fun Arcade. We got every fabric that was ever made, But I'm known in this city as the King of Suede. We got portly and regular and extra-long. (Is my size up there?) We got tailors to fix it, if it comes out wrong. (Is my size up there?) We got all kinds of sweatshirts, you can take your pick. (Is my size up there?) With the collars ripped off, like that "Flashdance" flick. (Is my size up there?) Our prices are low, my staff is underpaid. You can buy off the rack, or have it custom-made, And it's all guaranteed to never shrink or fade, 'Cause of my reputation as the King of Suede. If you need a tuxedo for your junior prom, (Is my size up there?) We can get you the best one that's made in Taiwan. (Is my size up there?) We got jackets with patches on the elbows, too. (Is my size up there?) And we'll sell 'em all factory-direct to you. (Is my size up there?) Well, I never made it past the second grade. It took all of my life for me to learn this trade. But my friends are all thinking that I've got it made, 'Cause I'm known the world over as the King of Suede. There's a two-for-one sale on our three-piece suits. Check out our suede pajamas and our suede-covered boots. You can try on our suede underwear if you choose. Do what you want, but don't step on my blue suede shoes. King of Suede. Don't miss out on our giant liquidation sale. (Is my size up there?) Look for our color catalog in next week's mail. (Is my size up there?) There's a sale on our double-knit slacks today. It's the same old sale as yesterday. Thirty years in the same location I have stayed, There I am, right next door to Willy's Fun Arcade. I got tough competition but I'm not afraid, 'Cause it's my destiny to be the King of Suede. King of Suede. King of Suede. King of Suede. I'll always be King of Suede. I'll always be King of Suede. I'll always be ... "That Boy Could Dance" ---------------------- We all used to call him "Jimmy the Geek". He was a dumb-lookin' scrawny little four-eyed freak. He never used to hang around with the guys. He'd just sit in the corner, attractin' the flies. He wasn't much to look at. He never was very bright. But at least there was one thing that he could do all right. That boy could dance. That boy could dance, yeah. He was kind of a jerk, he was kind of a bore, But the women would scream when he walked in the door. 'Cause one thing I can tell you for sure-- That boy could dance. Pickin' teams, he would always be last. He couldn't run very far, he couldn't think very fast. If he was on your side, you'd always lose. That guy had a problem even tyin' his shoes. He never passed a driver's test. He was always afraid of cars, And he had a complexion that resembled the surface of Mars. But that boy could dance. That boy could dance, yeah. Well, his hair was a mess, and his clothes didn't fit, He'd smell pretty bad, and he'd drool just a bit, But you got to admit. Boy, that boy could dance. * Now that boy is much older. He got his own dance studio. He got a teeny bopper fan club. Yeah, he got his own TV show. Now he owns half of Montana. They all call him Diamond Jim. And you know I'd do anything if I could be just like him. 'Cause that boy could dance. That boy could dance. That boy could dance. (that boy could dance) That boy could dance. (that boy could dance) That boy could dance. (that boy could dance) That boy could dance, yea, ooh. (that boy could dance) I said that boy could dance. (that boy could dance) That boy could dance, dance. (that boy could dance) That boy could dance. (that boy could dance) That boy could dance. "Theme From Rocky XIII" ----------------------- Fat and weak, what a disgrace. Guess the champ got too lazy. Ain't gonna fly now, he's just takin' up space. Sold his gloves, threw his eggs down the drain. But he's no bum, he works down the street. He bought the neighborhood deli. Back on his feet, now he's choppin' up meat. Come inside, maybe you'll hear him say: Try the rye or the kaiser, They're on special tonight. If you want, you can have an appetizer. You might like our salami, and the liver's all right. And they'd really go well with the rye, Or the kaiser. Never eats while on the job. He heard it's good to stay hungry. But he makes a pretty mean shish kabob. Have a taste, they were made fresh today. Try the rye or the kaiser or the wheat or the white. Maybe I can suggest an appetizer. Stay away from the tuna, it smells funny tonight. But you just can't go wrong with the rye, Or the kaiser. So today, his deli comes first. Still he dreams of his past days of glory. Goes in the back and beats up on the liverwurst, All the while you can still hear him say: It's the rye or the kaiser, it's the thrill of one bite. Let me please be your catering advisor. If you want substitutions, I won't put up a fight. You can have your roast beef on the rye, Or the kaiser. The rye or the kaiser, The rye or the kaiser, The rye or the kaiser... "Nature Trail To Hell" ---------------------- Coming this Christmas to a theatre near you, The most horrifying film to hit the screen. There's a homicidal maniac who finds a Cub Scout troop, And he hacks up two or three in every scene. Please don't reveal the secret ending to your friends. Don't spoil the big surprise. You won't believe your eyes when you see Nature Trail to Hell, Nature Trail to Hell, Nature Trail to Hell, In 3-D. Nature Trail to Hell (in 3-D, ah-ah) Nature Trail to Hell (in 3-D, ah-ah) Nature Trail to Hell (In 3-D!) See severed heads that almost fall right in your lap. See that bloody hatchet coming right at you. No, you'll never see hideous effects like these again, Till we bring you "Nature Trail to Hell--Part 2." So bring the kids along, it's good clean family fun. What have you got to lose, If you like the six o'clock news, then you'll love Nature Trail to Hell, Nature Trail to Hell, Nature Trail to Hell, In 3-D. Nature Trail to Hell, (in 3-D, ah-ah) Nature Trail to Hell, (in 3-D, ah-ah) Nature Trail to Hell, (In 3-D!) * (ah-ah-ah-ahhh ahh - ahh ah-ah-ah ahhh - ah-ah-ahhh - ahh ah-ah) Ahgh!! Agghh!! No--!! Gahgh!! Aghg!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. * Nature Trail to Hell (ah-ah). Nature Trail to Hell (ah-ah). Nature Trail to Hell in 3-D. N n n n n n n Nature Trail to Hell. Yea, get away from the Nature Trail to Hell. Oh, stay away from the Nature Trail to Hell. In 3-D. 3-D. Nature Trail to Hell. (We're on the Nature Trail to Hell). Nature Trail to Hell. (We're on the Nature trail to Hell). Nature Trail to Hell. (Hell Hell) In 3-D. Nature Trail to Hell. (ah-ah) In 3-D. Nature Trail to Hell. (ah-ah) In 3-D. Nature Trail to Hell in 3-D. ---- DARE TO BE STUPID ================= "Like A Surgeon" ---------------- I finally made it through Med. school. Somehow I made it through-hoo. I'm just an intern, I still make a mistake or two. I was last in the class, Barely passed at the Institute. Now I'm tryin' to avoid Yeah, I'm tryin' to avoid A malpractice suit. Hey, like a surgeon, Cuttin' for the very first time. Like a surgeon, Organ transplants are my line. Better give me all your gauze, nurse, This patient's fading fast. Complications have set in, Don't know how long he'll last. Let me see that I.V. Here we go, time to operate. I'll pull his insides out. Pull his insides out, And see what he ate. Like a surgeon, hey! Cuttin' for the very first time. Like a surgeon, Here's a waiver for you to si-gn. Wo-ho. Wo-ho. Wo-ho It's a fact. I'm a quack. The disgrace of the A.M.A. 'Cause my patients die. Yeah, my patients die Before they can pay. Like a surgeon, hey! Cuttin' for the very first time. Like a surgeon. Got your kidneys on my mind. Like a surgeon, ooh hoo, like a surgeon, When I reach inside With my scalpel, and my forcepts, and retractors. Oh ho-oh. Oh ho-ho-oh. Ooh, baby, Yeah, I can hear your heart beat For the very last time. "Dare to be Stupid" ------------------- Put down that chain saw and listen to me Its time for us to join in the fight. Its time to let your babies grow up to be cowboys Its time to let the bedbugs bite. You'd better put all your eggs in one basket You'd better count your chickens before they hatch. You'd better sell some wine before its time You'd better find yourself an itch to scratch. You'd better squeeze all the Charmin you can While Mr. Whipple's not around. Stick your head in the microwave and get yourself a tan. Talk with your mouth full Bite the hand that feeds you Bite off more then you can chew What can you do? Dare to be stupid! Take some wooden nickels, Look for Mr. Goodbar, Get your mojo working now, I'll show you how you can dare to be stupid! You can turn the other cheek, You can just give up the ship, You can eat a bunch of sushi then forget to leave a tip. (Dare to be stupid!) Come on and dare to be stupid, It's so easy to do, dare to be stupid! We're all waiting for you. Let's go! It's time to make a mountain out of a molehill So can I have a volunteer? There's no more time for crying over spilled milk, Now it's time for crying in your beer. Settle down with a family. Join the PTA. Buy some sensible shoes and a Cheverolet. Then party till you drop and they drag you away. It's OK. You can dare to be stupid! It's like spinning on a fish. It's like barking up a tree. It's like I say, you gotta buy one if you wanna get one free. Dare to be stupid! (yes) Why don't you dare to be stupid? It's so easy to do. Dare to be stupid. We're all waiting for you. Dare to be stupid. Burn your candles at both ends. Look a gift horse in the mouth. Mashed potatoes can be your friends. You can be a coffee achiever. You can sit around the house and watch "Leave it to Beaver". The future's up to you, so what'choo gonna do? Dare to be stupid! Dare to be stupid! What did i say? (Dare to be stupid) Tell me what did I say? (Dare to be stupid) It's alright (Dare to be stupid) We can be stupid all night (Dare to be stupid) Come on, join in the crowd (Dare to be stupid) Shout it out loud (Dare to be stupid) I can't hear you (Dare to be stupid) OK, I can hear you now (Dare to be stupid) Let's go! Dare to be stupid (Dare to be stupid) Dare to be stupid (Dare to be stupid) Dare to be stupid (Dare to be stupid) Dare to be stupid (Dare to be stupid) "I Want A New Duck" ------------------- Whoah-oh! I want a new duck. One that won't try to bite. One that won't chew a hole in my socks. One that won't quack all night. I want a new duck. One with big webbed feet. One that knows how to wash my car, And keep his room real neat. One that won't raid the ice box. One that'll stay in shape. One that's never gonna try To migrate or escape, Or I'll tie him up with duck tape. I want a new duck. A mallard, I think. One that won't make a mess of my house, Or build a nest in the bathroom sink. I want a new duck. One that won't steal my beer. One that won't stick his bill in my mail. One that knows "The duck stops here." One that won't drive me crazy Waddling all around. One who'll teach me how to swim, And help me not to drown. And show me how to get down. "How to get down", baby. Get it? (quack quack quack quack quack. quack quack quack quack quack. quack quack quack, quack quack quack quack. quack quack quack quack, quack quack quack, quack quack quack quack) I want a new duck. Not a swan or a goose. Just a drake I can dress real cute. Think I'm gonna name him Bruce. I want a new duck. Not a quail or an owl. One that won't molt too much. One that won't smell too foul. One that won't beg for breadcrumbs, Hangin' around all day. He'd better mind his manners. Better do just what I say, Or he's gonna be duck pate'. Duck pate', yeah yeah. (quack quack quack quack quack. quack quack quack quack quack. quack quack quack, quack quack quack quack. quack quack quack quack, quack quack quack, quack quack quack quack) "One More Minute" ----------------- (Ahhh-ahhh-ahhh-ahhh-ahhh-ahhh-ahhh-ahhh-ahhh-ahhh ...) Well, I heard that you're leavin', (leaving) Gonna leave me far behind, (so far behind) 'Cause you found a brand new lover, You decided that I'm not your kind, (ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh) So I pulled (I pulled) your name out (name out) of my Rolodex, And I tore all your pictures in two, And I burned down the malt shop where we used to go, Just because it reminds me of you. (Yeah) That's right, (that's right) you ain't gonna see me cryin'. I'm glad (I'm glad) that you found somebody new, 'Cause I'd rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass, Than spend one more minute with you. (ahh-ahh-ahh-ooh) I guess I might seem kinda bitter. You got me feelin' down in the dumps. 'Cause I'm stranded all alone in the Gas Station of Love, And I have to use the self-service pumps! Oh, so honey, let me help you with that suitcase. You ain't (you ain't) gonna break my heart in two. 'Cause I'd rather get a hundred-thousand paper-cuts on my face, Than spend one more minute with you. I'd rather rip out my intestines with a fork, Than watch you going out with other men. I'd rather slam my fingers in a door, Again and again and again and again and again. Aw, can't you see what I'm tryin' to say, darlin'. I'd rather have my blood sucked out by leeches, (leaches) Shove an ice pick under a toenail or two. I'd rather clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with my tongue, Than spend one more minute with you. Yes, I'd rather jump naked on a huge pile of thumbtacks, Or stick my nostrils together with Crazy Glue. I'd rather dive into a swimming pool filled with double-edged razor blades, Than spend one more minute with you-hoo. I'd rather rip my heart right out of my rib cage with my bare hands and then throw it on the floor and stomp on it till I die... Than spend one more minute with you. "Yoda" ------ I met him in a swamp down in Dagoba, Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda. S-O-D-A, soda. I saw the little runt sitting there on a log. I asked him his name, and in a raspy voice he said, "Yoda." Y-O-D-A, Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Well, I've been around, but I ain't never seen A guy who looks like a muppet, but he's wrinkled and green. Oh, my Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Well, I'm not dumb, but I can't understand How he can lift me in the air just by raising his hand. Oh, my Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Well, I left home just a week before, And I've never ever been a Jedi before. But Obi Wan, he set me straight, of course. He said, "Go to Yoda and he'll show you the Force!" Well I'm not the kind that would argue with Ben, So it looks like I'm gonna start all over again With my Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. So I used the Force. I picked up a box. I lifted some rocks While I stood on my head. Well, I won't forget what Yoda said. He said, "Luke, stay away from the darker side, And if you start to go astray, let the Force be your guide." Oh, my Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. "I know Darth Vader's really got you annoyed, But remember, if you kill him then you'll be unemployed." Oh, my Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Well, I heard my friends really got in a mess, So I'm gonna have to leave Yoda, I guess. But I know that I'll be coming back some day. I'll be palying this part till I'm old and gray. The long-term contract that I had to sign Says I'll be making these movies till the end of time, With my Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yoda. Yo Yo Yo yo Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. Yoda. Yo Yo Yo yo Yoda. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yoda. "George Of The Jungle" ---------------------- George, George, George of the Jungle, Strong as he can be. (Aggh-aghh-aahgh-ahh!!) Watch out for that tree! (ooh) George, George, George of the Jungle, Lives a life that's free. (Aggh-aghh-aahgh-ahh!!) Watch out for that tree! When he gets in a scrape, When he makes his escape, With the help of his friend, An ape named Abe, Then away he'll schlemp, On his elephant schemp While Fella and Ursula stay in step, with George, George, George of the Jungle, Friend to you and me. (Aggh-aghh-aahgh-ahh!!) Watch out for that tree! Watch out for that- (Aggh-aghh! -ooh) tree! George, George, George of the Jungle, Friend to you and me. "Slime Creatures From Outer Space" ---------------------------------- Things just haven't been the same, Since the flying saucer came. Now the aliens are on the loose. Well, we tried to hold 'em back, Tried to ward off their attack, But our atom bombs were just no use. They were ugly, they were mean, Biggest heads I ever seen. They made everybody scream and shout. First they leveled Tokyo, Then New York was next to go. Boy, I really wish they'd cut it out! They wasted everybody on my block. There goes the neighborhood. They'll zap you with their death-ray eyes, And blow you up real good. Run for your lives! (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) They're not very nice to the human race. (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) There's more comin' every day, And they just won't go away. Now they're reproducing in the sewers. They got slimy lizard skin, And an evil-lookin' grin, And they sure could use some manicures. They got hands all covered with fungus. They got eyes like some kinda bug. I sure hope they don't come in here, I just shampooed the rug. Run for your lives! (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) They're really makin' a mess of this place. (Slime Creatures.) (Slime Creatures.) * (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) They'll rip your head off just for fun. They'll paralyze your mind. They're wearin' out their welcome. I don't think I like their kind. They'll suck your brain out through a straw. You just can't trust those guys. So hide the children, lock the doors, And always watch the skies. Look out! Here come the... (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) They're an intergalactic disgrace. (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) I wish they'd just get outta my face. (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) (Slime Creatures from Outer Space.) They're makin' a big, fat mess of this place. (Slime Creatures.) (Slime Creatures.) Oh, where did they come from? (slime cretures) What do they want from us? (slime creatures) Who do they think they are? (Slime Creatures. Slime Creatures.) Why don't they leave me alone? (Slime Creatures. Slime Creatures.) They're really getting on my nerves. "Girls Just Want To Have Lunch" ------------------------------- Some girls like to buy new shoes, And others like drivin' trucks and wearing tattoos. There's only one thing that they all like a bunch. Oh, girls, they wanna have lunch. Oh, girls, they just wanna have lunch. I know how to keep a woman satisfied. When I whip out my Diner's Card their eyes get so wide. They're always in the mood for something to munch. Oh, girls, they wanna have lunch. Oh, girls just wanna have... That's all they really want. is some lunch. Don't ask 'em to dinner or breakfast or brunch. 'Cause girls, they wanna have lunch. Oh, girls just wanna have lunch. (Girls, they want, wanna have lunch. Girls, wanna have) * She eats like she got a hole in her neck, And I'm the one that always gets stuck with the check. Can't figure out how come they don't weigh a ton. Oh, girls, they wanna have lunch. Oh, girls just wanna have... That's all they really want, Is some lunch. Don't know for certain, but I've got a hunch. Those girls, they wanna have lunch. Oh, girls just wanna have lunch. (Girls, they want, wanna have lunch. Girls, wanna have) They just wanna, they just wanna. (Girls) Girls just wanna have lunch. They just wanna, they just wanna. They just wanna (girls) Girls just wanna have lunch. They just wanna, they just wanna. They just wanna, they just wanna. (girls) Girls just wanna have lunch. "This Is The Life" ------------------ I eat filet mignon seven times a day. My bathtub's filled with Perrier. What can I say? This is the life! I buy a dozen cars when I'm in the mood. I hire somebody to chew my food. I'm an upwardly mobile dude. this is the life! They say that money corrupts you, But I can't really tell. I got the whole world at my feet, And I think it's pretty swell. I got women lined up outside my door. They've been waitin' there since the week before. Who could ask for more? This is the life! * Wha-dop, wha-dop. You're dead for a real long time. You just can't prevent it. So if money can't buy happiness, I guess I'll have to rent it. Yeah, every day I make the front page news. No time to pay my dues. I got a million pairs of shoes. This is the life! * Ba ba da yia baba baba Ba ba da da dabba da ba Ba ba da dabby ya da B- ba ba ba ba dow-ah B-B-B Wawawa I got a solid gold Cadillac. I make a fortune while I sleep. You can tell I'm a living legend, Not some ordinary creep. No way, I'm the boss. The Big Cheese. Yeah, I got this town on its knobby little knees. I can do just what I please. This is the life! This is the life! That's right, I'm the king. Number One. I buy monogrammed Kleenex by the ton. I pay the bills, I call the shots, I grease the palms, I buy the yachts. One thing I can guarantee. The best things in life, they sure ain't free. It's such a thrill just to be me. This is the life! Whoah. This is the life! "Cable TV" ---------- I used to think my life was so empty, I used to think life was passin' me by. Well, I was just about ready to curl up and die. But then one day I got a visit From the cable company. Well, they hooked me up, and plugged me right in, And now I got cable TV. And now I get to watch the stock report in Korean, Midget wrestling on Channel Three. It costs me fifty bucks a month just to see 'em, Yeah, but that's all right with me. I got cable TV, (Cable TV) Cable TV. (Cable TV) Oh, eighty-three channels of ecstasy. I love my cable TV, yeah, I love my cable TV. I got the Siamese Faith Healer's Network, The news and weather from Peru, I got Celebrity Hockey, The Racketball Channel too. Bugs Bunny direct from Atlanta, Mr. Wizard is on at five. I got a satellite dish on the trunk of my car, So I can watch MTV while I drive. I'm talkin' 'bout real quality programs, The kind you just can't get for free. Now I never wanna leave my apartment, 'Cause there's just so much for me to see. On my cable TV, (Cable TV) Cable TV. (Cable TV) Well, if you need to find me, You know where I'll be. Watchin' my cable TV, yeah, Watchin' my cable TV. 'Cause I love my cable TV, yeah, I love my cable TV. * My friends are gettin' kinda worried, They think I'm turning into some kinda freak. Oh, but they're just jealous, 'cause I've seen "Porky's" Twenty-seven times this week. On my cable TV, (Cable TV) Cable TV. (Cable TV) Yeah, the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. I love my cable TV, yeah, I love my cable TV. Well, I gotta have cable TV, yeah, I need my cable TV. Well, I love, I love my cable TV. I said I love my cable TV. Well, I gotta have my cable TV. I can't live without my cable TV. I said i got to have my cable TV. Gotta have cable TV. I said -bbbbbb- cable TV. Got to have cable TV-ee. (cable TV, yea) "Hooked On Polkas" ------------------ You're takin' to me good, Just like you know you should. You get me on my knees, Please, baby, please. She looks so great, everytime I see her face. She put me in a state (ooh, state of shock) Top coat. Top hat. I don't worry, 'cause my wallet's fat. Black shades. White glove. Lookin' sharp. Lookin' for love. They come a-runnin' just as fast as they can, 'Cause every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp-dressed man, hey! * Whoo! Ah ha! Oh, what's love, got to do, got to do with it? What's love but a second-hand emotion? What's love got to do, got to do with it? Who needs a heart, when a heart can be broken? M-E-T-H-O-D-O-F-L-O-V-E, It's the method of modern love. Owner of a lonely heart. Owner of a lonely heart, Much better than the Owner of a broken heart. Owner of a lonely heart. Yea. yea yea yea yea yea yea. We're not gonna take it. No! We ain't gonna take it. We're not gonna take it, any more. 99 Von luftballons Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont. Denkst du vielleicht Grad an mich. Dann singe ich ien Lied fur dich. Now I gotta cut loose. Footloose. Kick off my Sunday shoes. Please! Louise! Pull me off-a my knees. Jack! Get back! Come on, before we crack! Loose! You're blues. Ev'ry body cut footloose! So why-- don't you use it. Try-- not to bruise it. Find-- time, don't lose it. Bang your head. Metal health'll drive ya mad. Bang your head. Metal health'll drive ya mad. Relax, don't do it. When you wanna go to it. Relax, don't do it. When you wanna come. Relax, don't do it. When you wanna sock it to it. Relax, don't do it. When you wanna come. When you wanna come. When you want to come--. ---- POLKA PARTY =========== "Living With a Hernia" ---------------------- (Help me out, Dig! ... ooh) All I do is grunt and groan Hurts me to walk anywhere Went to see my physician, Dr. Jones He took my trousers off, told me to cough (Doctor says there ain't nothin') to discuss He tells me any day I might have to wear a truss, woo! (Living with a hernia) Ow! All the time, such aggravation (Living with a hernia) Gonna be my ruination (Living with a hernia) Got to have an operation Feel so old, heh huh Too much back pain Good gawd, drives me insane Can't run, barely crawl Got a bulge in my intestinal wall Walk real funny, bless my soul Can't play tennis and it's hard to bowl (You can't even do the splits now) Say it (Better call it quits now) I'm sick of all this dancin' anyhow (Living with a hernia) huh Hurts me bad in a tender location (Living with a hernia) Had enough humiliation (Living with a hernia) yeaah-! Got to have an operation Ow! I (live with a hernia) Can't get up, can't bend over Now I (live with a hernia) Wait a minute... You may not be familiar with the common types Of hernias that you could get So just settle down, let me clue you in There's incomplete (incomplete) Epigastric (epigastric) Bladder (bladder) Strangulated (strangulated) Lumbar hernia (lumbar hernia) Richter's hernia (richter's hernia) Obstructed (obstructed) Inguinal and Direct (Living with a hernia)...Rupture! I said it's causin' me such irritation (Living with a hernia) whoo-ow! Have to have my medication (Living with a hernia) yeaa-! I feel bad! "Dog Eat Dog" ------------- Found a job in a great big office And I really love this place I got my, my very own Scotch tape dispenser And I got a private parking space...ha! And I,I got a coffe mug with my name right on it In big bold letters so everyone knows it's mine Don't even touch it, 'cause, cause it doesn't belong to you I'm watching you, so don't get funny I'm climbing up, up the corporate ladder Watch out...It's dog eat dog Nose against the grindstone, it feels all right Watch out...Well, it's dog eat dog. Here we go I love to watch my boss get angry So I can count the veins in his neck...ha! Every day is like a picnic. Every Friday get a check Well, do I smell jelly donuts? This is my lucky day! I'll have some coffee with a carcinogenic sweetener Hold on a minute, just one more jelly donut They'll never miss it...No, they'll never miss it! I,I'm climbing up, up the corporate ladder Watch out...Well, it's dog eat dog Nose against the grindstone, it feels all right Watch out...Hey! Well, it's dog eat dog Sometimes I can't believe this is all really happening Sometimes I can't believe that I'm really sitting here Sometimes I tell myself, "This is not my beautiful stapler!" Sometimes I tell myself, "This is not my beautiful chair!" No-duddi-o d-du-du-oh-ya ha! ha! Nobody's sure what I do here And, ah, that's just fine with me Five o'clock is here much too soon now 'Cause I just never wanna leave I-I-I-I-I can bend paper clips into the shapes of small animals Maybe I could get on, on David Letterman I-I-I-I-I think I made a big mistake Where's my liquid paper? Where's my liquid paper? I, I'm climbing up, way up the corporate ladder now Watch out...Well, it's dog eat dog Nose against the grindstone, it feels all right Better be careful now, it's dog eat dog Watch me work...Hey! Hey! Stand back now! Look out, mama, it's dog eat dog Nose against the grindstone, it feels real good Hey! Dog eat dog. Here we go. (Doggy doggy dogdog - it's dog eat dog) I said pang-ang-angang, dog eat dog. (woof woof, hey hey) Dog eat dog, said, pbpbpbpbpb, dog eat dog. (Here we go, ha!) Dog eat dog. La la ha hee-, dog eat dog. La la la ha hee, dog eat dog. (ruff ruff, dog eat dog. dog eat dog). "Addicted to Spuds" ------------------- Potato skins, potato cakes Hash browns and instant flakes Baked or boiled or french fried There's no kind you haven't tried You planned a trip (ooh-oh-hoo) to Idaho Just to watch potatoes grow I understand how you must feel I can't deny they've got a peel Wo-oh, you like 'em whether they're plain or they're stuffed, oh yeah Better face the facts, it seems you can't get enough You know, you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to spuds Your greasy hands, your salty lips Looks like you found the chips Your belly aches, your teeth grind Some tater-tots would blow your mind And you don't mind if they're not cooked You need your fix, I guess you're hooked And late at night you always dream Of bacon-bits and sour cream Wo-oh, you like 'em even if they're lumpy or tough, oh yeah Wee hee hee hee, It's pretty obvious to me you can't get enough You know you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to spuds Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds * I'm giving up, it's just no use Another case of spud abuse What can I say? what can I do? Potato bug has got me, too Wo-wo-oh, I used to hate 'em, now they're all that I eat, oh yeah Wee ee hee hee, I've often seen 'em whipped, but they just can't be beat Now I'm gonna have to face it, I'm addicted to spuds Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds might as well face it, i'm addicted to spuds Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds "One of Those Days" ------------------- Got to work late 'cause my alarm was busted The boss chewed me out and everybody's disgusted 'Cause it's one of those days. It's just one of those days I lost one of my socks in the drier I can't find my wallet and my hair is on fire Just one of those days. It's just one of those days I just wrapped my Cadillac around a tree A big swarm of locusts is following me There's not even anything good on TV It's just one of those days. It's just one of those days Left all my Beatles records out in the sun Got a Coke bottle stuck on the end of my tongue It's just one of those days. Gonna be one of those days The Nazis tied me up and covered me with ants And I spilled toxic waste on my brand new pants Just one of those days. Ever have one of those days? The bank called me up and told me I'm overdrawn Some freaks are burnin' crosses out on my front lawn And I can't believe it, all the Cheetos are gone! It's just...just one of those, one of those days Just one of those, one of those days * The F.B.I. has got a tap on my phone Those darn Russian spies won't leave me alone Shouldn't have got up this morning, shoulda known It's just one of those days. It's just one of those days A 747 crashed into my den And there's nothin' but tater-tots for dinner again It's just one of those days Never mind, it's just one of those days Big steamroller just ran over my mom And I cut myself shaving and they're dropping the bomb It's just one of those days That's all, it's just one of those days Then late at night, just before I go to bed The world blows up and now everybody's dead You just can't deny it, it's just like I said Just...just one of those, one of those days Just one of those, one of those days It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days) It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days) It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days) It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days) It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days) It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days) It's just one of those days (just one of those, one of those days) It's just one of those days. "Polka Party" ------------- You could have a big dipper going up and down, all around the bend. You could have a bumper-car bumping. This amusement never ends. I wanna be your sledgehammer. Why don't you call my name? Ah. Oh, let me be your sledgehammer. This will be my testimony, yea. yea. There's a girl that's been on my mind all the time, Su-Sussudio. Oh-oh. Now, she don't even know my name, but I think she likes me just the same. Su-Susudio. Oh-oh. My girl wants to party all the time, party all the time, party all the time. My girl wants to party all the time, party all the time. She party's all the time. (Say you) Say me. Say it for always - that's the way it should be. (Say you) Say me. Say it together, (naturally) We're going riding on the freeway of love - wind's against our back. We're going riding on the freeway of love in a pink Cadillac. That's why- you need. Ooh, that's why- I'll give you what you need. I'll give you what you need. Ya ya ya, do the Harlem polka. (ev'rybody, now) Ya ya ya, do the Harlem polka. She's got it. yea, baby, she's got it. Well, I'm your Venus. I'm your fire. What's your desire? Nasty! Nasty boys! Don't mean a thing. Oh, you nasty boys. Nasty! Nasty boys! Don't ever change. Oh, you nasty boys. *I liks thes part* Ooh, rock me Amadeus. Ooh, rock me Amadeus. Ooh, rock me Amadeus. Ooh. Shout. Shout. Let it all out. These are the things I can do without, come on. I'm talking to you, come on. Ple-ease, Papa don't preach. I'm in trouble deep. Papa don't preach. I've been losin' sleep. But I made up my mind. I'm keping my baby. Ooh, I'm gonna keep my baby. I'm gonna kee-eep my-- baby! (keep my baby, keep my baby, keep my baby) Hey! "Here's Johnny" --------------- There he goes, he drives me crazy When he says...(Hee-eere's Johnny!) That's his job, it's so amazing All he says is...(Hee-eere's Johnny!) I never miss a moment when he's on the tube His being there has made my life worth living The chills run down my spine Each time he says that line "Here's Johnny!" He says, and laughs in his special way "...Johnny!" he says, you know I love him "Here's Johnny!" he says, and "second fiddle" is his game Ed McMahon's his name...all right Woa-woa-oh, oh, yea Dressed so fine, he's such a cool dude Hear him say...(Hee-eere's Johnny!) Watch him selling beer and dog food Hear him say...(Hee-eere's Johnny!) I got a letter from him just the other day He said, "You may already be a winner!" A trooper to the end A Clydesdale's best friend "Here's Johnny!" he says, and laughs in his special way "...Johnny!" he says, you know I love him "Here's Johnny!" he says, and that's the way he gets his pay What a living! Oh...(Here's Johnny! Here's Johnny!) Wo-o-o, no (Here's Johnny! Here's Johnny!) No no no no no no, I don't believe it (Here's Johnny!) he says, and everytime it's just the same Ed McMahon's his name A very special guy...all right He's on every night Can't change the channel When he's sitting on the panel (Hee-eere's Johnny!) There he goes, he gives me goose bumps When he says...(Hey-O-Hey-Hey-O!) "Here's Johnny!" he says, and laughs in his special way "...Johnny!" he says, you know I love him "Here's Johnny!" he says, that seems to be his claim to fame Ed McMahon's his name (Here's Johnny, Here's Johnny, Here's Johnny) Hohohoho (Here's Johnny, Here's Johnny, Here's Johnny) Hohohoho (Here's Johnny, Here's Johnny, Here's Johnny) Hohohoho Hee-ere's- (Here's Johnny) "Don't Wear Those Shoes" ------------------------ I don't care If you wreck my car or shave off all my hair You can go And run your vacuum during my favorite show And I'll let you call up folks in Europe you don't even know Anything you want, babe, if it makes you happy But I'm begging you down on my bended knees Oh honey, please don't wear those shoes You can spend my money, you can waste my time Baby, I don't mind, but please don't wear those shoes Don't wear those shoes It's all right You can play your Twisted Sister every night I suppose You can lick the middles out of my Oreos Or start laughing when you're drinking milk so it comes out your nose And you know that I'd do anything to please you But I'm begging you down on my bended knees Oh honey, please don't wear those shoes You can spit in my face if you're so inclined Baby, I don't mind, but please don't wear those shoes (Oh no, oh no) Oh no, don't wear those shoes I said, oh no, oh no Oh no, please don't wear those...(shoe--s) Use my razor to shave your legs or eat crackers in bed Stomp the poodle till it's flat You could even shove a six-inch railroad spike through my head I could learn to live with that But now I'm begging you down on my bended knees Oh honey, please don't wear those shoes You can whip me, beat me, rob me blind Baby I don't mind, but please don't wear those... * I said, oh no, oh no, oh no, don't wear those shoes I said, oh no, oh no, oh no, don't wear those shoes You can scratch up my records, you can drink my booze But baby, please don't wear those shoes You can make me an offer I can't refuse But darling, please don't wear those shoes You can play your bongos while I'm trying to snooze But honey, please don't wear those shoes You can expose yourself on the six o'clock news But please, please don't wear those shoes I said, oh no, oh no, oh no, don't wear those shoes I said, oh no, oh no, oh no, don't wear those shoes I said, oh no, oh no, oh no, don't wear those shoes I said, oh no, oh no, oh no, don't wear those shoes "Toothless People" ------------------ They only show you their gums when they smile Ain't got a tooth in their heads now...how vile Only can eat things like pudding and applesauce They never have to buy toothpicks or dental floss Hey! Stand up! Toothless people...their breath is lethal, wanna tell you Hey...come on! Stand up...get on your feet! Toothless people...old and feeble, what I say No more of those pearly whites will they possess Their oral hygiene is frightful...a mess Lots of 'em suffering from trench mouth and gum disease At least they don't have to worry 'bout cavities Hey! Stand up...take out your teeth! Toothless people...old and feeble, oh yes You can brush 'em, you can floss 'em They're something you just can't ignore If you lose 'em, you're in trouble 'Cause the tooth fairy won't come no more You need something to show your dentist The next time he makes you say "ahh..." You don't wanna have to wind up Eating all of your food through a straw * (Like toothless people Toothless people...) You'd better brush your teeth now (Hey...) Toothless, toothless, toothless, toothless people Hey! Stand up, toothless people. "Good Enough for Now" --------------------- Oh, I couldn't live a single day without you Actually, on second thought, well, I suppose I could Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, honey, you're the greatest Well, at any rate, I guess you're...pretty good Now, it seems to me I'm relatively lucky I know I probably couldn't ask for too much more I honestly can say you're an above-average lady You're almost just what I've been looking for You're sort of everything I ever wanted You're not perfect, but I love you anyhow You're the woman that I've always dreamed of Well, not really...but you're good enough for now * You're pretty close to what I've always hoped for That's why my love for you is fairly strong And I swear I'm never gonna leave you, darlin' At least 'til something better comes along 'Cause you're sort of everything I ever wanted You're not perfect, but I love you anyhow You're the woman that I've always dreamed of Well, not really...but you're good enough for now No, not really...but you're good enough for now "Christmas at Ground Zero" -------------------------- It's Christmas at Ground Zero There's music in the air The sleigh bells are ringin' and the carolers are singin' While the air-raid sirens blare It's Christmas at Ground Zero The button has been pressed The radio just let us know That "This is not a test..." Everywhere the atom-bombs are droppin' It's the end of all humanity No more time for last-minute shoppin' It's time to face your final destiny Well, it's Christmas at Ground Zero There's panic in the crowd We can dodge debris while we trim the tree Underneath a mushroom cloud * You might hear some reindeer on your rooftop Or Jack Frost on your windowsill But if someone's climbin' down your chimney You better load your gun and shoot to kill Oh, it's Christmas at Ground Zero And if the radiation level's okay I'll go out with you and see the all new Mutations on New Year's Day It's Christmas at Ground Zero Just seconds left to go I'll duck and cover with my yuletide lover Underneath the mistletoe It's Christmas at Ground Zero Now the missles are on their way What a crazy fluke we're gonna get nuked On this jolly holiday What a crazy fluke we're gonna get nuked On this jolly holiday ---- EVEN WORSE ========== "Fat" ----- (Now) Your butt is wide, well mine is too. (Now) Just watch your mouth, or I'll sit on you. (Now) The word is out, better treat me right, (Now) Cause I'm the king of cellulite. Ham on (now) ham on ham on whole wheat, (now) all right. (Now) My zippers bust, my buckles break. (Now) I'm too much man for you to take. (Now) The pavement cracks when I fall down. (Now) I've got more chins than Chinatown. (now) Well I've never used a phone booth, And I've never seen my toes. (now) When I'm goin' to the movies I take up seven rows. Because I'm fat, I'm fat--come on. (Fat fat--really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it. (Fat fat--really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat--come on you know. (Fat fat--really really fat) Don'tcha call me pudgy, portly or stout. Just tell me once again: Who's fat? huha huha huha huha huha (Now) When I walk out to get my mail, (Now) It measures on the Richter scale. (Now) Down at the beach I'm a lucky man. (Now) I'm the only one who gets a tan. (Now) If I have one more pie a la mode (Now) I'm gonna need my own zip code. (Now) When you're only having seconds, (Now) I'll be having twenty-thirds. (Now) When I go to get my shoes shined, I gotta take their word. Because I'm fat, I'm fat--come on. (Fat fat--really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it. (Fat fat--really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it you know. (Fat fat--really really fat) And my shadow weighs forty-two pounds. Lemme tell you once again who's fat. * (Now) If you see me comin' your way, (Now) Better give me plenty space. (Now) If I tell you that I'm hungry, Then won't you feed my face. Because I'm fat, I'm fat--come on. (Fat fat--really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it. (Fat fat--really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it you know. (Fat fat--really really fat) Woo woo woo. (When I sit around the house, I really sit around the house). You know I'm fat, I'm fat--come on. (Fat fat--really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it, you know it. (Fat fat--really really fat) You know you know you know--come on. (Fat fat--really really fat) And you know all by myself I'm a crowd. Lemme tell you once again. You know I'm huge, I'm fat, you know it. (Fat fat--really really fat) You know I'm fat--you know, hoo. (Fat fat--really really fat) You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it, you know. (Fat fat--really really fat) And the whole world knows I'm fat and I'm proud. Just tell me once again--who's fat? "Stuck In A Closet With Vanna White" ------------------------------------ Doctor, every night I have the strangest dreams-uh. Doctor, listen to me, tell me what this means-uh. First I'm goin' shoppin' in my underwear, Then all of sudden I'm floating in mid air. My lips fall off and everybody starts to stare. Donuts and hot dogs are flying everywhere. Now Doctor, wait a minute, you ain't heard nothin' yet-uh. Next comes the part that I won't ever forget-uh. Now I'm bein' followed by these Russian spies. They give me some velcro, and an order of fries. Suddenly I'm bowling on the Starship Enterprise. I fall down a hole and that's when I realize I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White. I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White. Night after night after night after night. All right! Doctor, won't you tell me, am I going insane-uh? Was it something I ate, or something wrong with my brain-uh? See, I'm naked in church when I meet a dinosaur. Try to run, but my feet have been nailed to the floor. Then a midget pushes me through a revolving door, And I'm back in the very same place I was before. Now, I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White. Night after night after night after night. (And I can't bust out, and I can't break free) And it's gettin' just a little too stuffy here for me. (And I can't go home, and I can't get loose,) And I try to escape, but it's just no use. (And I can't ever leave, and I can't ever win) And we're runnin' outta air, and the walls are closin' in. (And I can't go back, and I can't get through) But Vanna, since you're here, why don't you let me buy a vowel from you? Come on Vanna, come on! * Ow! bbbbbbb! Doctor, all those crazy dreams have started again-uh. That's right, I even wake up screaming now and then-uh. See, I'm coming home from work, but I forgot my address. I'm half an hour late for my algebra test. Then some slimy alien jumps out of my chest, And I'm falling and falling, and I guess you know the rest. I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White. I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White. Night after night after night after night I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White. Stuck in a closet with Vanna White. N-n-n-night after night after ni-ni-night. I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White. Yea yea yea yea, yea yea, yea yea yea. I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White. Night after night after night after night. I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White. Yea yea yea yea yea yea yea yea yea yea. I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White. "This Song's Just Six Words Long" --------------------------------- This song's just six words long. This song's just six words long. This song's just six words long. This song's just six words long. Couldn't think of any lyrics. No, I never wrote the lyrics, So I'll just sing any old lyrics That come to mind, child. You really need words, Whole lotta rhymin' words, You gotta write so many words. Mm, To do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, To do it, to do it right, child. This song's just six words long. This song's just six words long. This song's just six words long. This song's just six words long. I know that you're probably sore 'Cause I didn't write any more. I just didn't get to complete it, So that's why I gotta repeat it. This song's just six words long. (Six words long. This song's just six words long. (Six words long. Oh, I make a lotta money. They pay me a ton of money. They're payin' me plenty of money To sing this song, child. I gotta fill time, Three minutes worth of time. Oh, how will I fill so much time? Mm. I'll throw in a solo, a solo, a solo. A solo, a solo here. * This song's just six words long. This song's just six words long. This song's just six words long. This song's just six words long. This song's got nothin' to say, But I'm recording it anyway. I know if I put my mind to it, I know I could fing a good rhyme here. Oh, you gotta have-a music, You need really catchy music. This song has got plenty of music, But just six words, child. And so I sing 'em over And over and over and over, And over and over and over. Mm, And over and over and over and over And over and over again. Six words long. Six words long. Six words long. Six words long. Six words long. Six words long. Six words long. Six words long. Six words long. Six words long. Six words long. Six words long. This song's just six words long. It's just six words long. "You Make Me" ------------- You make me wanna slam my head against the wall. You make me do the limbo. You make me wanna buy a slurpee at the mall. You make me watch the Gong Show. There's really something kinda strange about you, baby, but I can't exactly seem to put my finger on it. You make me, you make me, you make me. That's what you do to me. You make me wanna hide a weasel in my shorts. You make me wanna phone home. You make me wanna write a dozen book reports, Then pack myself in styrofoam. Sometimes you make me want to build a model of the Eiffel Tower out of Belgian waffles. You make me, you make me, you make me. That's what you do to me. That's what you do, That's what you do. That's what you do to me. You make me wanna hang out in a trailer park, Then take my hamster to the beach. You make me wanna do my laundry in the dark, And use a recommended bleach. When I'm with you, I don't know whether I should study neurosurgery or go to see the Care Bears movie. You make me, you make me, you make me. That's what you do to me. (You make me) That's what you do, (You make me) That's what you do. That's what, what you do to me. That's what you do to me, That's what you do to me. That's what you do to me. * Oh--woo--oh. You make me wanna break the laws of time and space. You make me wanna eat pork. You make me wanna staple bagels to my face, Then remove 'em with a pitchfork. You know there's something quite unusual about you, but I can't exactly seem to put my finger on it. You make me, you make me, you make me. That's what you do to me. (You make me) That's what you do, (You make me) That's what you do. (You make me) That's what, what you do to me. (You make me) That's what you do, (You make me) That's what you do. (You make me) That's what you d-d-d-do to me. (You make me) That's what you do, (You make me) That's what you do. (You make me) That's what you do to me! "I Think I'm A Clone Now" ------------------------- Isn't it strange? Feels like I'm lookin' in the mirror. What would people say, If only they knew that I was Part of some geneticist's plan, Born to be a carbon copy man. There in a petri dish, late one night, They took a donor's body cell and fertilized a human egg, and so I say I think I'm a clone now. (a clone now) There's always two of me just a-hangin' around. I think I'm a clone now, (a clone now) 'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down. Look at the way We go out walkin' close together. I guess you could say I'm really beside myself. I still remember how it began, They produced a carbon copy man. Born in a science lab, late one night. Without a mother or a father, just a test tube and a womb with a view. I think I'm a clone now. (a clone now) There's always two of me just a-hangin' around. I think I'm a clone now, (a clone now) 'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down. I think I'm a clone now, (a clone now) And I can stay at home while I'm out of town. I think I'm a clone now, (a clone now) 'Cause every pair of genes is a hand-me-down. Signing autographs for my fans, Come and meet the carbon copy man. Livin' in stereo, it's all right. Well, I can be my own best friend, and I can send myself for pizza, so I say I think I'm a clone now. Another one of me's always hangin' around. I think I'm a clone now, 'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down. I think I'm a clone now. ( a clone now) I've been on Oprah Winfrey, I'm world-renowned. I think I'm a clone now. (a clone now) And every pair of genes is a hand-me-down. I think I'm a clone now. (a clone now) That's my genetic twin, always hangin' around. I think I'm a clone now. (a clone now) 'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down. I think I'm a clone now. (a clone now) "Lasagna" --------- La-la-la-la-lasagna. You want-a some-a lasagna, magnifico, Or a-maybe spaghetti! Ay, you supper's a-ready now, where you go? Mama mia bambino! Mama mia bambino, 'samatta you? 'Samatta you, 'samatta you? You should-a taste my lasagna. Ay, you no like-a lasagna, That's okay too. How about-a calzone? Some-a nice minestrone, atsa good for you. Have-a some marinara. Have-a some marinara, I know you like. I know you like, I know you like. La-lasagna! La-lasagna! La-lasagna! Would you like some-a zucchini? Or-a my homemade linguini, it's hard to beat. Have-a more fettucini. Ay, you getting too skeeny, you gotta to eat. Ay, mange, mange! * Ay, you-a pass the lasagna! A-don't you get any on ya, you sloppy peeg. Have-a more ravioli. You-a get roly poly, a-nice and-a beeg. Like you cousin Luigi. Luigi, Luigi, capisce paisan? Capisce paisan, capisce paisan? La-lasagna! La-lasagna! La-lasagna! La-lasagna! Hey! Hey1 "Melanie" --------- Me-he-he-helanie, What can the problem be? Sweet Me-he-he-he-helanie, Why won't you go out with me? She lived across the street on the fifteenth floor of the Galemore building. I saw her in the shower reaching for some soap. I knew she had to be the girl for me, and to think I probably never would have found her, If I hadn't bought that telescope, oh. Me-he-he-helanie, What can the problem be? Sweet Me-he-he-he-helanie, Why won't you go out with me? I just can't understand it. Why won't you return my phone calls? Are you still mad I gave a mohawk to your cat? If you'd just say the word, I'm certain that our love would last forever and ever, Or are you too dumb to realize that? Me-he-he-helanie, What can the problem be? Sweet Me-he-he-he-ehlanie, Why won't you go out with me? How can you ignore me, when you know that I can't live without you? I have to go through your garbage just to learn more about you. Melanie, (ooh-ooh-ooh-) Oh sweet Me-he-he-helanie, Why won't you go out with me? You weren't impressed when I tattooed your name across my forehead. You wouldn't listen when I promised to be true. I couldn't stand it, so I jumped out from the sixteenth story window right above you. Now I may be dead but I still love you. Me-he-he-helanie, What can the problem be? Sweet Me-he-he-he-helanie, Why won't you go out with me? Me-he-he-helanie, What can the problem be? Sweet Me-he-he-he-helanie, Why won't you go out with me? I'm singin' Me-he-he-helanie, What can the problem be? Sweet Me-he-he-he-helanie, Why won't you go out with me? I'm singin' Me-he-he-helanie, What can the problem be? Sweet Me-he-he-he-helanie, Why won't you go out with me? Singin' Me-he-he-helanie, What can the problem be? Sweet Me-he-he-he-helanie, Why won't you go out with me? "Alimony" --------- Here she come now, wants her alimony. Bleedin' me dry as a bony bony. Work at three jobs just to stay in debt now. Well first she took my nest egg, then she took the nest. I said yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah. 'Cause she took my house. (alimony) My car, (alimony) My shoes. (alimony) and my toothbrush too. (alimony) Too bad. (alimony) So sad. (alimony) A-she got. (alimony) got the gift of grab. (alimony) I'm in debt (debt) debt (debt) debt (debt) debt (debt) debt (debt) debt. * Lawyer's callin' me on the telephony. Tryin'-a squeeze-a blood from a stony stony. Ooh, I took her for better or for worse, yeah. Then she took me for everything, yeah everything She could get (get) get (get) get (get) get (get) get. Well I'm out of cash. (alimony) No dough. I'm broke. (alimony) It's no joke. The check's in the mail. (alimony) Get off (alimony) My back. (alimony) cut me some slack. (alimony) I said yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah. (Ooh, I want my almo-mo-mony) Oh you do? (Ooh, I want my almo-mo-mony) Is it due? (Ooh, I want my almo-mo-mony) Or you'll sue? (Ooh, I want my almo-mo-mony) Alimony (yeah) mony (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah. Wow! Alimony. Alimony. Alimony. Alimony. I said, come on, come on, come on. Alimony. Alimony. Alimony. Bleed one dry, I said "no" (no) oh no (no) no (no) no (no) no, cvome on! Alimony. Alimony. "Velvet Elvis" -------------- My life, it used to be incomplete, Till I saw what I was looking for at a drive-in swap meet. My life it won't be the same again. Now I'm proud to say the king lives on inside my den. Oh---, it's all I live for, it's all I need. My velvet Elvis, my velvet Elvis. My velvet Elvis means the world to me. Yo-oh, yo-oh, yo-oh oh oh. Although he may not be worth much dough, He means much more to me than some old Rembrandt or Van Gogh. Check out those sideburns, there is nothing greater. You can tell that he's no velvet Elvis imitator. Oh---, It's all I live for, it's all I need. My velvet Elvis, my velvet Elvis, my velvet Elvis. Oh, now you can't you see, My velvet Elvis, my velvet Elvis, My velvet Elvis means the world to me. Whoa-oh-oh-oh oh. In my own private Graceland, In my own little shrine to the king, I don't want nothin' else. No, I don't need anything. Don't need no lava lamp, Don't need no soap on a rope, No pictures of Mexican kids with those really big eyes, Or dogs playing poker. Oh---. * When I'm at home watching my TV, I know the king is always looking down on me. He looks so handsome, he stands so tall, So glad he's big enough to cover up that hole in the wall. (Velvet Elvis) He's so fuzzy. (Velvet Elvis) He's so great. (Velvet Elvis) Never ages. (Velvet Elvis) Never puts on weight. (Velvet Elvis) Look at those rhinestones. (Velvet Elvis) He's just so fine. (Velvet Elvis) You can look but don't touch now. (Velvet Elvis) 'Cause he's mine all mine. Whoa-oh-oh oh oh. "Twister" --------- Yeah! (Well) Well, Milton Bradley's got a def one. It's a Twister! (Twister! Twister! Twister!) Yeah, all the girls and homeboys Playin' Twister! (Twister! Twister! Twister!) Spin the spinner and call the shot. Twister ties you up in a knot. That's Twister. Yeah, Twister! Check it! Right foot blue! (Right foot blue!) Left hand red! (Left hand red!) Left! Right! Yellow! Blue! Green! Yeah, Twister! Now, everybody's chillin' With the Twister. (Twister!) Wherever things are illin', You'll find Twister! (Twister! Twister!) That's Twister. Yeah, Twister! Yeah buddy! You gotta get it. Yeah Twister! >From M.B.! "Good Old Days" --------------- Oh sometimes I think back to when I was younger, Life was so much simpler then. Dad would be up at dawn, He'd be waterin' the lawn, Or maybe goin' fishin' again. Oh, and Mom would be fixin' up somethin' in the kitchen, Fresh biscuits or hot apple pies. And I'd spend all day long in the basement, torturing Rats with a hacksaw, and pulling the wings off of flies. Those were the good old days. Those were the good old days. The years go by, but the memory stays. And those were the good old days. I can still remember good old Mister Fender, Who ran the corner grocery store. Oh, he'd stroll down the aisle with a big friendly smile, And he'd say howdy when you walked in the door. Always treated me nice, Gave me kindly advice, I don't know why I set fire to his place. Oh, I'll never forget the day I bashed in his head. Well, you should have seen the look on his face. Lemme tell ya now, Those were the good old days. Those were the good old days. The years go by, but the memory stays. And those were the good old days. Do you remember sweet Michele? She was my high school romance. She was fun to talk to, and nice to smell, So I took her to the homecoming dance. Then I tied her to a chair, And I shaved off all her hair, And I left her in the desert all alone. Well, sometimes in my dreams, I can still hear the screams, Oh, I wonder if she ever made it home? I tell ya, Those were the good old days. Those were the good old days. The years go by, but the memory stays. And those were the good old days. Let me tell ya buddy, Those were the good old days. Those were the good old days. The years go by, but the memory stays. And those were the good old days. ---- U H F ===== "Money For Nothing/Beverly Hillbillies" --------------------------------------- Beverly. Beverly Hillbillies. * Huh, Now, looka here, people, listen to my story, A little story 'bout a man named Jed. You know somethin', that poor mountaineer, They say he barely kept his family fed. Now lemme tell ya, one day he was shootin'. Ol' Jed was shootin' at some food. When all of a sudden, right up from the ground there, Well, there came a bubblin' crude. Oil, that is. Well, maybe you call it Black gold or Texas tea-ee. He gonna move next to Mr. Drysdale, And be a Beverly Hillbilly. Before you know it, all the kinfolk are a-sayin', Yeah, Buddy, move away from there. That litle Clampett got his own cee-ment pond. That little Clampett, he's a millionaire. Now everyone said, " Californy Is the place that you oughta be". We got to load up this here truck now. We got to move to Beverly. Hills, that is. Swimmin' pools, Move-a-move-a-movie stars. Huh, looka that looka that. (beverly, beverly, beverly hillbilly) Y'all come back now, hear? (beverly, beverly, beverly hillbilly) (beverly, beverly, beverly hillbilly) (beverly, beverly, beverly hillbilly) "Gandhi II" ----------- Next week, on U-62, he's back! And this time, he's mad. Gandhi II! No more Mr. Passive Resistance. He's out to kick some butt. This is one bad mother you don't want to mess with. "Don't move, slimeball." He's a one-man wrecking crew, but he also knows how to party. "Gimme a stake, medium rare" There is only one law--his law. Gandhi II! "Attack Of The Radioactive Hamsters Fron A Planet Near Mars" ------------------------------------------------------------ They showed up on my doorstep just a couple weeks ago. They looked so sweet and harmless. Tell me, how was I to know? They got a little too close to the microwave and then much to my surprise. They grew to forty-thousand times their original size. They started mutating right before my eyes, oh my. Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars. A race from a distant place, they came in UFO's shaped just like Cuban cigars. Man, oh man, you oughta hear 'em sqeal. Now the whole wide world is their exercise wheel. Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars. The President, he's in a panic. the Pentigon, they're in shock. Their's a team of research scientists. They've got them working 'round the clock. Now the National Guard is out in my backyard, And the Marines will be comin' around. I hope they get those lousy rodents out of my town. Cause the property values are goin' way down now. Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars. They're back and they're lookin for a snack. And they're not that fond of Burger King or salad bars. I hope they're not plannin' to stay. Who invited 'em here, anyway? Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars. * Well, well, look at that hamster, he's as big as a blimp. And there's one the size of Central Park. They're usin' telephone poles to pick their teeth. They're evil and nasty and they glow in the dark. Well, don't waste any more of your bullets, boys, You know it just makes 'em mad when you shoot. They're gonna stomp us into jelly and conquer the world. But you gotta admit they're really kinda cute, now. Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars. What a racket they're makin', Jack, They keep me up at night playin' their electric guitars. Listen to 'em squeel. They think the whole stinkin'world is their exercise wheel. Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars. Hey, Jack, you better watch your back, Here come those hamsters from a planet near Mars Well, well, it's called the attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet, a planet near Mars. "Isle Thing" ------------ Met this fine young thing at the local Circle-K. She made a date for a half past eight, and I said, "What the hey." So I journeyed to her crib, and I let myself inside. That chick was slouched down on the couch. I think her brain was fried. Couldn't figure it out. She wouldn't even look at me. Then I saw her eyes - she was hypnotized - cold glued to her TV. Said, "What's your problem, baby doll? Let's have a little fling." She said, "Hey, you fool, now just be cool. I'm watchin that Gilligan's Isle thing." Isle Thing. (isle thing) Isle Thing. Watchin all night. Must've been a marathon. I was bummin', those shows kept comin'. Here's what was goin' on. These castaways were stranded on this island out at sea. One of 'em called Gilligan said, "Let's name it after me." He'd mess up every rescue. Man, that first mate was illin'. If I was one of them castaways, I think I'd prob'ly kill him. Just about that time, the telephone began to ring. She said, "Just let it, my machine'll get it. We're watchin' the Gilligan's Isle Thing." Isle Thing. She loves that Gilligan's Isle Thing. Isle Thing. (isle thing) Please, baby baby, please. I liked the professor. He always saved their butts. He could build a nuclear reactor from a couple of coconuts. She said, "That guy's a genius." I shook my head and laughed. I said, "If he's so fly, then tell me why he couldn't build a lousy raft? And while we're on the subject, I'll tell you one thing for sure. Those homeboys brought an awful lot for just a three-hour tour." Then her mom came in the room. It was kind of embarrassing. She said, "Hey, you two, I was once like you, And I loved that Gilligan's Isle Thing." Isle Thing. She'd watch that Gilligan's Isle Thing. Please, baby baby, please. * Skipper's in a hammock. He's lookin' kinda fat. He'd throw a fit and then he'd hit ol' Gilligan with his hat. Mrs. Howell got it goin' on, but Mr. Howell was meaner. Ginger and Mary Ann could've used some funky cold medina. I was really diggin' this show. I didn't know what to do. It kinda looked like I was hooked. Now I'm an addict too. I know each episode by heart. Now I'm the Rerun King. And on every date we both say up late, And watch the Gilligan's Isle Thing. Isle Thing. Hasta la vista, Little Buddy. Gilligan's Isle Thing. "The Hot Rocks Polka" --------------------- If I could stick my hand in my heart, Spill it all over the stage, Would it satisfy you, would it slide on by you, Would you think the boy is strange? Ain't it stra-ya-ange, If I could win, if I could sing A love song so divine, Would it be enough for your cheating heart If I broke down and cried? If I cri-yi-ied? I said I know it's only rock 'n' roll, but I like it. I know it's only rock 'n' roll, but I like it, like it, yes I do. I really really really really do do do do do, hey! Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields, Sold in a market down in New Orleans. Scarred old slaver, know he's doing all right. Hear him with the women just around midnight. (Brown sugar!) How come you taste so good? (Brown sugar!) Just like a young girl should. I saw her today at the reception. A glass of wine in her hand. I knew she would meet her connection. At her feet was a footloose man. You can't always get what you want. You can't always get what you want. You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might find You get what you need. You need honky tonk women. Gimme gimme gimme the honky tonk blues. Under my thumb, the girl who once had me down. Under my thumb, the girl who once pushed me around. It's down to me, yes it is. The way she talks when she's spoken to. Down to me, the change has come, she's under my thumb. So goodbye, Ruby Tuesday. Who could hang a name on you? When you change with every new day. Still, I'm gonna miss you. Hoo-oo hoo-oo hoo-oo, hoo-oo hoo-oo hoo-oo, hoo-oo hoo-oo. Hoo-oo hoo-oo hoo-oo, hoo-oo hoo-oo hoo-oo, hoo-oo hoo-oo. Please allow me to introduce myself. I'm a man of wealth and taste. (hoo hoo) I've been around for a long, long year, Stole many a man's soul and faith. (hoo hoo) Pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name, (hoo hoo) 'Cause what's puzzling you is the nature of my game. (hoo hoo) I said hey (hey) you (you) get off of my cloud. Hey (hey) you (you) get off of my cloud. Hey (hey) you (you) get off of my cloud. Don't hang around, 'cause two's a crowd. (Shadoobie, shattered.) (Shadoobie, shattered.) Laughter, joy and loneliness and sex and sex and sex and sex. Look at me, I'm in tatters. (Shadoobie.) I'm shattered, (Shadoobie, shattered.) This doesn't happen to me every day, wo my. (Let's spend the night together) No excuses offered anyway, oh my. (Let's spend the night together) I'll satisfy your every need. (every need) And now I know you'll satisfy me. My my my my my my my. Let's spend the night together. Now I need you more than ever. Let's spend the night together, now. My my my my my. I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no girly action, 'Cause I've tried (and I've tried) and I've tried (and I've tried) And I've tried (and I've tried) and I've tried (and I've tried) I can't get no I can't get no I...can't...get...no... Satisfaction. Satisfaction. Satisfaction. Hey! Hey! UHF --- Put down your remote control, throw out your TV guide. Put away your jacket, there's no need to go outside. Don't you know that we control the horizontal. We control the vertical, too. We gonna make a couch potato out of you. That's what we're goin' to do, now. Don't change the channel, don't touch that dial. We got it all on UHF. Kick off your sneakers 'n' stick around for awhile. (We got it all) on UHF. Don't worry 'bout your laundry, forget about your job. Just crank up the volume and yank off the knob. We got it all, (we got it all) We got it all on UHF. Disconnect the phone, now, leave the dishes in the sink. You better put away your homework, prime time ain't no time to think. All you do is make yourself a TV dinner. Press your face right up against the screen. We gonna show you things you ain't ever seen. If you know what I mean, now. Don't change the channel, don't touch that dial. We got it all on UHF. Kick off your sneakers 'n' stick around for awhile. (We got it all) on UHF. Don't worry 'bout your laundry, forget about your job. Just crank up your volume and yank off your knob. We got it all, (we got it all) We got it all on UHF. * You can watch us all day, you can watch us all night. You can watch us any time that you please. You can sit around and stare at the picture tube Till your brain turns to cottage cheese. Well, now, don't change the channel, don't touch that dial. (We got it all on UHF.) Kick off your sneakers 'n' stick around for awhile. (We got it all) on UHF. Don't worry 'bout your laundry, forget about your job. You gotta crank up the volume, yank off the knob. We got it all, (we got it all) We got it all on UHF. (We got it all on UHF) UHF (We got it all on UHF) UHF (We got it all on UHF) UHF (We got it all on UHF) We got it all (We got it all on UHF) on UHF (We got it all on UHF) UHF (We got it all on UHF) UHF (We got it all on UHF) We got it all, we got it all (We got it all on UHF) UHF (We got it all on UHF) We got it all, we got it all (We got it all on UHF) UHF "Let Me Be Your Hog" -------------------- Let me be your hog. Let me be your hog, now. I said, baby baby baby baby, baby baby baby baby, baby baby baby baby. "She Drives Like Crazy" ----------------------- Where'd you learn how to steer? You go 80 in second-gear. When you drive, I can't relax. Got your license from Cracker Jacks. You just hit another tree. These fender-benders are killin' me. She drives like crazy. (ooh ooh) Like no one else. (ooh ooh) She drives like crazy. And I'm afraid for myself.(ooh ooh) They'll put you behind bars. We're not playin' bumper cars. Did a great figure-eight In the middle of the Interstate. Tires squeal wherever we go. Even hitchhikers just say no. She drives like crazy. (ooh ooh) Her car's a mess. (ooh ooh) She drives like crazy. She's got a death wish, I guess. (ooh ooh) She's a demon behind the wheel. Thinks she's drivin' the Batmobile. Burnin' rubber in school zones. Runnin' over traffic cones. Passin' semis on the right. Now my knuckles are turnin' white. She drives like crazy. (ooh ooh) She'll break our necks. (ooh ooh) She drives like crazy. She always gets into wrecks. (ooh ooh) She drives like crazy. (ooh ooh) Like no one else. (ooh ooh) She drives like crazy. Now I'm afraid for myself. (ooh ooh) She drives like crazy. (ooh ooh) Like no one else. (ooh ooh) She drives like crazy. "Generic Blues" --------------- I woke up this mornin', Then I went back to bed. Said I woke up this mornin', Then I went right back to bed. Got a funny kinda feelin', Like I got broken glass in my underwear, And a herd of wild pigs is tryin' to chew off my head. You know what I'm sayin'? Well, I ain't got no money, I'm just walkin' down the road. Said I ain't got no money, honey, So I'm just walkin' down this lonely old road. Well, I wish I could get me some money, But I forgot my automated teller code. I was born in a paper sack, in the bottom of a sewer. I had to eat dirt clods for breakfast, my family was so poor, My daddy was a waitress, my mama sold bathroom tile. My brothers and sisters all hated me,'cause I was an only child. I got the blues so bad. Whoo! Kinda wish I was dead. Maybe I'll blow my brains out, mama. Or maybe I'll, yeah, maybe I'll just go bowlin' instead. I'm just a no-good, scum-sucking, nose-picking, boot-licking, snivelling, grovelling worthless hunk of slime. Nothin' but a low-down, beer-bellied, bone-headed, pigeon-toed, turkey-necked, weasel-faced worthless hunk of slime. I guess I've got a pretty low self-image, maybe it's a chemical imbalance or something. I should probably go and see a doctor about it when I've got the time. Guitar - * Aw, make it talk, son, make it talk. Okay, now make it shut up. Plagues and famine and pestilence always seem to get me down. I always feel so miserable whenever I'm around. I wish somebody would come along, stick a pitchfork through my brain. I'd flush myself right down the toilet, but I'd just clog up the drain. I got the blues so bad, Whoo! Kinda wish I was dead. Maybe I'll blow my brains out, mama, Or maybe I'll go bowling. Or I just might go bowling. Maybe I'll just rent some shoes and go bowling. Maybe I'll join a league, enter a tournament, put on a stupid-lookin' shirt and go bowling, Instead. Yea-heh-ah. "Spatula City" -------------- There's just one place to go for all your spatula needs: (Spatula City! Spatula City!) A giant warehouse of spatulas for every occasion. Thousands to choose from, in every shape, size and color. And because we eliminate the middle man, We can sell all our spatulas factory direct to you. Where do you go when you want to buy name brand spatulas at a fraction of retail cost? (Spatula City! Spatula City!) And this weekend only, take advantage of our special liquidation sale. Buy nine spatulas, get the tenth for just one penny. Don't forget, they make great Christmas presents. And what better way to say, "I Love You" than with the gift of a spatula. Spatula City! Spatula City! "Hello, this is Sy Grimsley, President of Spatula City. I liked their spatulas so much, I bought the company." Spatual City! Seven locations. We're in the Yellow Pages under "spatulas". "My, where did you get that lovely spatula?" ("Spatula City. We sell spatulas, and that's all!") "Fun Zone" ---------- < musical piece > "Spam" ------ Spam in the place where I live. (ham and pork) Think about nutrition, wonder what's inside it now. (oh boy) Spam in my lunchbox at work. (it's the best) Really makes a darn good sandwich, any way you slice it at all. If you're running low, go to the store. Carry some money to help you buy more. The tab is there to open the can. The can is there to hold in the spam. Oh, spam on the table at home. (ham and pork) Think about selection, are there different flavors now. (let's eat) Spam in my office at work. (it's the best) Think about the stuff it's made from, wonder if it's mystery meat. If you need a spoon, keep one around. Carry a thermos to help wash it down. Now if there's some left, don't just throw it out. Use it for spackle or bathroom grout, now. Spam in my pantry at home. (have some more) Think of expiration, better read the label now. (oh boy) Spam breakfast, dinner or lunch. (it's the best) Think about how it's been pre-cooked, wonder if I'll just eat it cold. * Now once you start in, you can't put it down. Don't leave it sitting or it'll turn brown. The key is going to open the tin. The tin is there to keep the spam in. Oh spam, (spam!) (ham and pork) Think about nutrition, wonder what's inside it now. (oh boy) Spam, (spam!) (it's the best) Really makes a darn good sandwich any way you slice it. Spam in the place where I live. (have some more) Think about addiction, wonder if I'm a junkie now. (let's eat) Spam in the place where I work. (you're obsessed) Think about the way it's processed, wonder if it's some kind of meat. Spam in the back of my car. (ham and pork) (spam any place that you are) The tab is there to open the can. (spam any place that you are) The can is there to open the spam. Oh spam. "The Biggest Ball Of Twine In Minnesota" ---------------------------------------- Well, I had two weeks of vacation time coming. After workin' all year down at Big Roy's Heating and Plumbing. So one night, when my family and I were gathered 'round the dinner table, I said, "Kids, If you could go anywhere in this great big world, now Where'd you like to go to?" They said, "Dad... We wanna see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota." They picked the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota. So the very next day we loaded up the car With potato skins and pickled weiners, Crossword puzzles, Spiderman comics and mama's homemade rhubarb pie, Pulled out of the driveway, and the neighbors, they all waved goodbye. And so began our three-day journey. We picked up a guy holdin' a sign that said "Twine Ball or Bust." He smelled real bad, and he said his name was Bernie. I put in a Slim Whitman tape, my wife put on a brand new hair net. Kids were in the back seat jumpin' up and down, yellin' "Are we there yet?" And all of us were joined together in one common thought, As we rolled down the long and winding Interstate in our '53 DeSoto. We're gonna see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota. We're headin' for the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota. Oh, we couldn't wait to get there, so we drove straight through for three whole days and nights. Of course, we stopped for more pickled weiners now and then. The scenery was just so pretty, Boy, I wish the kids could've seen it. But you can't see out of the side of the car because the windows are completely covered with the decals from all the places where we've already been. Like Elvis-a-Rama, the Tupperware Museum, The Boll Weevil Monument, and Cranberry World, The Shuffleboard Hall of Fame, Poodle Dog Rock, And the Mecca of Albino Squirrels. We've been to ghost towns, theme parks, wax museums, And a place where you can drive through the middle of a tree. Seen alligator farms and tarantula ranches, But there's still one thing we've gotta see. Well, we crossed the state line about 6:39, And we saw the sign that said, "Twine Ball Exit - fifty miles." Oh, the kids were so happy, they started singing "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" for the twenty-seventh time that day. So we pulled off the road at the last chance gas station, Got a few more pickled weiners and a diet chocolate soda, On our way to see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota. We're gonna see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota. Finally at 7:37 early Wednesday evening, as the sun was setting in the Minnesota sky, Out in the distance, on the horizon it appeared to me like a vision before my unbelieving eyes. We parked the car and walked with awe-filled reverence toward that glorious, huge, majestic sphere. I was just so overwhelmed by its sheer immensity, I had to pop myself a beer. Yes, on these hallowed grounds, open 10 to 8 on weekdays, in a little shrine under a makeshift pagoda, There sits the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota. I tell you, it's the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota. Ohhh, what on Earth would make a man decide to do that kind of thing. Ohhh, windin' up twenty-one thousand, one-hudred, forty pounds of string. What was he tryin' to prove? Who was he tryin' to impress? Why did he build it? How did he do it? It's anybody's guess. Where did he get the twine? What was goin' through his mind? Did it just seem like a good idea at the time? Well, we walked up beside it, and I warned the kids, "Now you better not touch it, those ropes are there for a reason." I said, "Maybe if you're good, I'll tie it to the back of our car, and we can take it home." But I was only teasin'. Then we went to the gift shop and stood in line. Bought a souvenir miniature ball of twine, Some window decals, and anything else they'd sell us. And I bought a couple postcards: "Greetings from the Twine Ball, wish you were here." Won't the folks back home be jealous. I gave our camera to Bernie, and we stood by the ball, And we all gathered around and said, "Cheese." Then Bernie ran away with my brand new Instamatic, But at least we've got our memories. So we all just stared at the ball for awhile, And my eyes got moist, but I said with a smile, "Kids, this here's what America's all about." Then I started feelin' kinda gooey inside, And I fell on my knees and I cried and cried. And that's when those security guards threw us out. You know, I bet if we unravelled that sucker, it'd roll all the way down to Fargo, North Dakota, 'Cause it's the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota. I'm talkin' 'bout the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota. Well, we stayed that night at the Twine Ball Inn. In the morning we were on our way home again. But we really didn't wanna leave, that was perfectly clear. I said, "Folks, I can tell you're all sad to go." Then I winked my eye and I said, "You know, I got a funny kinda feeling we'll be coming back again next year." 'Cause I've been all around this great big world, and I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather go to Than the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota. I said the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota. Minnesota. Minnesota. Minnesota. ---- OFF THE DEEP END ================ "Smells Like Nirvana" --------------------- What is this song all about? Can't figure any lyrics out How do the words to it go? I wish you'd tell me, I don't know Don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no. Don't know, don't know, don't know. Now I'm mumblin' And I'm screamin' And I don't know What I'm singin' Crank the volume Ears are bleedin' I still don't know What I'm singin' We're so loud and Incoherent Boy this oughta Bug your parents Yeah It's unintelligible I just can't get it through my skull It's hard to bargle nawdie zouss (?) With all these marbles in my mouth Don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no. Don't know, don't know, don't know. Well we don't sound Like Madonna Here we are now We're Nirvana Sing distinctly? We don't wanna! Buy our album We're Nirvana A garage band >From Seattle Well it sure beats Raising cattle Yeah * (kazoo) And I forgot the next verse Oh well, I guess it pays to rehearse The lyric sheet's so hard to find What are the words? Oh, nevermind ... Don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no. Don't know, don't know, don't know. Well I'm yellin And we're playin' But I don't know What I'm sayin' What's the message I'm conveyin'? Can you tell me What I'm sayin? So have you got Some idea? Didn't think so - Well I'll see ya Sayonara Sayonara Ayonawa Odinawa Odinaya Yodinaya Yaddayadda Yaaahyaaah Ayaaaaaah! "Trigger Happy" --------------- (Trigger happy! trigger happy!) Got an AK-47, well, you know it makes me feel alright. Got an UZI by my pillow, helps me sleep a little better at night. There's no feeling any greater, than to Shoot first and ask questions later. Now I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day. (trigger happy every day) Well, you can't take my guns away - I got a Constitutional right. (ooh-we-ooh) Yea, I gotta be ready if the Commies attack us tonight. (bam bam bam) I'll blow their minds out with my Smith & Wesson. That oughta teach 'em all a darn good lesson. Now I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day. (trigger happy every day) (Oh, yea I'm) trigger, trigger happy. Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy. (Oh, baby I'm) trigger, trigger happy. Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy. (Oh, I'm so) trigger, trigger happy. Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy. (trigger happy) Better watch out punk, or I'm gonna have to blow you away. Oh, I accidentally shot Daddy last night in the den. (shot daddy in the den) I mistook him in the dark for a drug-crazed Nazi again. (drug-crazed Nazi again) Now, why'd you have to get so mad? It was just a lousy flesh-wound, Dad. You know I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day. (trigger happy every day) Oh, I still haven't figured out the safety on my rifle yet. (bop doo wa, sh'wop wop doo wa) Little Fluffy took a round - better take him to the Vet. (bop doo wa, sh'wop wop doo wa) I filled that Kitty-Cat so full of lead. (ooh-ooh-ooh) We'll have to use him for a pencil instead. Well, I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day. (trigger happy every day) (Oh, yea I'm) trigger, trigger happy. Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy. (Oh, baby I'm) trigger, trigger happy. Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy. (Oh, I'm so) trigger, trigger happy. Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy. (trigger happy) Better watch out punk, or I'm gonna have to blow you away. Come on and grab your ammo. (ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh) What have you got to lose? We'll get all liquered up and shoot at anything that moves. Got a brand-new semi-automatic weapon with a laser sight. (shoot to kill, now, shoot to kill) Oh, I'm prayin' somebody tries to break in here tonight. (shoot to kill, now, shoot to kill) I always keep a magnum in my trunk. You better ask yourself, "Do you feel lucky, punk?" Because I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day. (trigger happy every day) (Oh, yea I'm) trigger, trigger happy. Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy. (Oh, baby I'm) trigger, trigger happy. Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy. (Oh, I'm so) trigger, trigger happy. Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy. (trigger happy) Better watch out punk, or I'm gonna have to blow you away. (watch out or he'll blow you away) Better watch out punk, or I'm gonna have to blow you away. (watch out or he'll blow you away) Better watch out punk, or I'm gonna have to blow you away. (watch out or he'll blow you away) Better watch out punk, or I'm gonna have to blow you away. "I Can't Watch This" -------------------- I can't watch this. I can't watch this. I can't watch this. I can't watch this. My my my my TV makes me so bored. Makes me say, "Oh, my Lord. What is this garbage here?" Wanna cover my eyes and plug my ears. It sucks, and that's no lie. It's about as much fun as watching paint dry. Lowers my IQ one notch and that's the reason why, uh, I can't watch. I told you, homeboy, I can't watch this. Yea, nothin' but trash and you know I can't watch this. Poke out my eyes, man, I can't watch this. Yo, gimme that remote control, I can't watch this. Talkin' 'bout sick shows. There's America's Funniest Home Videos. I can't believe my eyes when I see the kind of stuff that wins 1st prize. Somebody's poor old mom falls down on the roof, lands right on the lawn. Face first on a rake. I hear they got it on the seventeenth take. That's funny as a kick in the crotch. And that kinda show, uh, I can't watch. Yo, I told you, I can't watch this. Change the chanel, now, man, I can't watch this. Yo, pass the TV Guide here, sucka, I can't watch this. Cosby show and Rosanne. Think I've taken 'bout as much as I can. Judge Wopner, oh my. You gotta be Rainman to like this guy. Thirty-Something is alright if you like hearing Yuppies whinning all night. Can't stand Twin Peaks. Wish they'd lynch those donut-eatin' freaks. Those Siskel and Ebert bums oughta go home 'n just sit on their thumbs. That's word, because you know, I can't watch this. I can't watch this. Break it down. Here's how to order. Money-back guarantee. Removes tough stains fast. Tastes more like fresh peanuts. They keep going and going... Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Could be dandruff. our prices are insaaaane! Stop! Prime time. I'm pretty sure I'll be sick if I have to watch another stupid pet trick. Or that guy with the real flat hair that goes "woof woof woof" and waves his fist in the air. Or those weird talk shows about transexual Nazi Eskimoes. They're rude, crude and vile. Just for a minute, let's flip down the dial. Flip, flip, flip, yecch. I can't watch this. Look, man, I can't watch this. I can't take this torture no more, I can't, I can't watch this. Pay the bills, Station break. Break it down. Operators are standing by. Cubic-zirconium necklace. You're soaking in it. And our fabulous Swimsuit issue. When you've got a headache THIS big. Read the book. This is your brain on drugs. I've fallen and I can't get up. Stop! Cable time. HBO and Playboy. Showtime and MTV. I might like 'em more after my lobotomy. Now why did I ever pay for this junk? I hooked up eighty channels and each one stunk. Just brainless blood and guts and mindless T & A. It's awful. It's putrid. It's crummy. It's stupid. Gonna throw my set away. I can't watch this. I can't watch this. I can't watch this. Yea, I can't watch this. I told you, can't watch this. Too hip, can't watch this. Get me outta here, can't watch this. "Polka Your Eyes Out" --------------------- Hey! Rock the cradle of love. Rock the cradle of love. Yes, the cradle of love don't rock easy, it's true. Rock the cradle of love. I rocked the cradle of love. Yes, the cradle of love don't rock easy, it's true. Doo doo doo doo doo doodoo. Doo doo doo doo doo doo doodoo doo. (Doo doo doo doo doo doodoo. Doo doo doo doo doo doo doodoo doo) The Love Shack is a little old place where we can get togrther. Love Shack, baby. (Love Shack, baby, Love Shack). Hey! Pump up the jam. (hey!) Pump up the jam. (hey!). Pump up the jam, pump it up. That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight, losing my religion. Trying to keep a view, and I don't know if I can do it. (Oh no) I've said too much. I haven't said enough. The things you say, your purple prose just gives you away. The things you say, you're unbeleivable. (Oh!) Do me baby, do me baby. You can do me in the morning, you can do me in the night. You can do me when you wanna do me. Yodalodaladyhoo! Exit light. Enter night. Take my hand. Off to Never-neverland. The Humpty Dance is your chance to do the hump. Do me baby. Do the humpty-hump. Do the Humpty-hump. Do me baby. Do the Humpty-hump. Come on and do the Humpty-hump. She's my cherry pie. Put a smile on your face ten miles wide. Looks so good make a grown man cry. Sweet cherry pie-yi-yi. Whoo! Drum solo! I miss you much (M O I miss you much). I really miss you much (M I S S you much). I miss you much (M O I miss you much). I really miss you much. Hey, I don't want anybody else. When I think about you I touch myself. Oh, I don't want anybody else. Oh no, oh no, oh no no no. He's the one they call Dr. Feelgood. He's the one that makes you feel alright. He's the one they call Dr. Feelgood. He's gonna be your frankenstein. Let's kick it! If you've got a problem, yo, I'll solve it. Check out the beat while the DJ revolves it. Ice ice baby, Ice ice baby. Word to your mother. Ice ice baby, Ice ice baby forever. I'll be your i-ce i-ce baby (ice ice baby, ice ice baby, ice ice baby) Hey! "I Was Only Kidding" -------------------- When I said that I'd be faithful, when I promised I'd be true. When I swore that I could never be with anyone but you. When I told you that I loved you with those tender words I spoke. I was only kidding. Now, can't you take a joke? When I said that I need you baby, when I told you that I really care. When I said that I can't live without you, When I said I'd follow you anywhere. When I said you could always trust me, When I said I'd never leave you flat. Well, guess what? I was only kidding, baby. I can't believe you fell for that. You're so gullible. (I was only kidding) I was only kidding. (I was only kidding) You thought that was for real? I was only kidding. Now I'm sorry if you misunderstood, but the fact remains. (I was only kidding) I was only kidding. (I was only kidding) Baby, baby, I was only kidding. Well, I guess I got you pretty good. Now listen. When I said that I love you baby, from the very bottom of my heart. when I said that I miss you baby, every second that we're apart. When I swore that you're just getting more and more beautiful every day. Well, I was only kidding, honey. What's the matter with you anyway? Let me tell you something. (I was only kidding) I wa sonly kidding. (I was only kidding) You understand, don't ya? I was only kidding. Well, I guess I prob'ly hurt you alot, but you gotta know, (I was only kidding) I was only kidding. (I was only kidding) Come on, now, get a clue. I was only kidding, I really love you, NOT! * When I said you oughta marry me, when I said that we should settle down. Well, I was pullin' your leg, there, honey. I was just foolin' around. You see - I never meant to upset you, darlin'. I never meant to hurt anyone. I was only kidding baby. Why don't you just put down that gun? Let's talk this over. (I was only kidding) I was only kidding. (I was only kidding) Watch where you're poining that thing. (I was only kidding) Hey, I'm sorry if your heart is broke, you gotta realize, (I was only kidding) I was only kidding. (I was only kidding) Aww yea, I was only kidding. Now, honey, can't you take a joke? (I was only kidding) I was only kidding. (I was only kidding) I was only kidding. (I was only kidding) I was only kidding. (I was only kidding) I didn't LIE to you, I was only kidding, yes,indeed. (I was only kidding) Baby, baby, you know, (I was only kidding) Hey! "The White Stuff" ----------------- The white stuff. The white stuff. The first one was a sweet one, the second one was a blast. Soon I finished off the bag, ate 'em up real fast. You can see 'em in my teeth, tell it when I talk. Had so many my pancreas just went into shock. I love the white stuff, baby, in the middle of an Oreo. I love the white stuff, baby, it's the most delicious thing I know. I've had a-zillion or two in my life, they're so right. My teeth are all rotted clear through, but who cares? What else am I supposed to do? O - o - o - o-o. O - Oreo. O - o - o - o-o. The white stuff. O - o - o - o-o. O - Oreo. What's in the middle? The white stuff. The first time that I tried it, got a big sugar-buzz. Nothin' gets me high as that sandwich-cookie does. But I love the filling most. I rub it on my roast. Mix it with my coffee and spread it on my toast. I love the white stuff, baby, in the middle of an Oreo. I love the white stuff, baby, take some with me ev'rywhere I go. Might get a pimple or two, but so what? it's alright. Now, Twinkies and Ding-Dongs won't do. All I need ... you know what it is. O - o - o - o-o. O - Oreo. O - o - o - o-o. The white stuff. O - o - o - o-o. O - Oreo. O - o - o - o-o. The white stuff. O - o - o - o-o. O - Oreo. What's in the middle? The white stuff. "When I Was Your Age" -------------------- Let me tell you, Sonny. Let me set you straight. You kids today ain't never had it rough. Always had everything handed to you on a silver plate. You lazy brats think nothin's good enough. Well, nobody ever drove ME to school when it was ninety-degrees below. We had to walk butt-naked through forty-miles of snow. Worked in the coal-mine twenty-two hours a day for just half a cent. Had to sell my internal organs just to pay the rent. When I was your age. When I was your age. When I was your age. When I was your age. (sss-haw, sss-haw, sss-haw, sss-haw) Let me tell you somethin' you whiney little snot. There's somethin' wrong with all you kids today. You just don't appreciate all the things you got. We were hungry, broke and miserable and we liked it fine that way. There were seventy-three of us living in a cardboard box. All I got for Christmas was a lousy bag of rocks. Every night for dinner we had a big 'ol chunk of dirt. If we were really good, we didn't get desert. When I was your age. When I was your age. When I was your age. When I was your age. We didn't have no telephone. Didn't have no fax machine. All we had was a couple cans and a crummy piece of string. Didn't have no swimming pool when I was just a lad. Our neighbor's septic tank was the closest thing we had. Didn't have no dental floss, had to use old rusty nails. Didn't have Nintendo. We just poured salt on snails. Didn't have no water-bed, had to sleep on broken glass. Didn't have no lawnmower, we used our teeth to cut the grass. * What's the matter now, Sonny? You say you don't believe this junk? You think my story's wearin' kinda thin? I tell you one thing, I never was such a disrespectful punk. Back in my time we had a thing called discipline. Dad would whoop us every night til a quarter after twelve. When he'd get too tired, he'd make us whoop ourselves. Then he'd chop me into pieces and play frisby with my brain. And let me tell you, Junior, you never heard me complain. When I was your age. When I was your age. When I was your age. When I was your age. When I was your age. When I was your age. When I was your age. When I was your age. When I was your age. "Taco Grande" ------------- Taco ... Grande ... Taco ... Grande ... Yo quiero chimichungas y chile colorado. Yo tengo el dinero para un steak picado. Las flautas y tamales siempre muy bueno. Y el chile relleno. You see, I just gotta have a tostada, carne asada. That's right, I want the whole enchilada. My only addiction has to do with a flour tortilla. I need a quesadilla. I love to stuff my face with tacos al carbon. With my friends or when I'm all alone. Yo tengo mucho hambre y ahora lo quiero. Un burrito ranchero. So give me something spicy and hot now. Break out the menu, what you got now? Oh, would you tell the waiter I'd like to have sour cream on the side. You better make sure the beans are refried. Taco ... Grande ... Taco ... Grande ... Well there's not a taco big enough for a man like me. That's why I order two or three. Let me give you a tip. Just try a nacho chip. It's really good with bean dip. I eat uno, dos, tres, quatro burritos. Pretty soon I can't fit in my speedos. Well I hope they feed us alot of chicken fahitas, And a pitcher of magaritas. Well the combonation plates all come with beans and rice. The taquitos here are very nice. Now I'm down on my knees, we need some extra tomatoes and cheese. And could you make that seperate checks please? Taco ... Grande ... Taco ... Grande ... * Well the food is coming, I can hardly wait. Now watch your fingers, careful, hot plate. What do you think you are doing with my chile con queso? Well if you want some, just say so. Oh boy, pico de gallo. They don't make it like this in Ohio. No gracias, yo quiero jalapenos, nada mas. You can toss away the hot sauce. ?Donde estan los nachos? Holy frijole! You better get me a bowl of guacamole. Y usted, Eugene? Why's your face turning green? Don't you like pinto beans? You want some more cinamon crispas? If you don't, hasta la vista. Just take the rest home in a doggie bag if you wanna. You can finish it manana. Well it's been a pleasure. I can eat no more. Senor, la cuenta, por favor. If you aint ever tried real Mexican cooking, well, you oughta. Just don't drink the water. Taco ... Grande ... Taco ... Grande ... Taco ... Grande ... Taco ... Grande ... Taco ... Grande ... Taco ... "Airline Amy" ------------- Met this pretty young stewardess on a non-stop flight. She showed me to my seat and it was love at first sight. Now lately I've been flying to all kinds of places that I never really wanted to go. Cause I'll do anything just to spend a little time with the cutest flight attendant I know, oh. You set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, Airline Amy. Tell me I'm your favorite frequent-flyer, Airline Amy. Found a little piece of heaven on a 747. And no one else can take me higher than Airline Amy. Everyone of our dates is at thirty-thousand feet. She always points out the exit's to me, she's so sweet. You know she gets me my headphones for free. Refills my coffe cup whenever I ask. And you goota admit, my baby looks really hot when she's wearin' that oxygen mask. Well well, You set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, Airline Amy. Tell me I'm your favorite frequent-flyer, Airline Amy. Found a little piece of heaven on a 747. And no one else can take me higher than Airline Amy. * Amy, darlin', dont'cha know you really drive me nuts Every time your handin' out those honey-roasted peanuts. Airline Amy this is my new mission. Gotta get you in an upright locked position. Oh yea, You set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, Airline Amy. Tell me I'm your favorite frequent-flyer, Airline Amy. Found a little piece of heaven on a 747. And no one else can take me higher than Airline Amy. Yea yea, You set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, Airline Amy. You're the only woman I desire, Airline Amy. Found a little piece of heaven on a 747. And no one else can take me higher, no one else can take me higher, And no one else can take me higher than Airline amy. "The Plumbing Song" ------------------- Baby, I sure wish I could lend you a hand, But plumbing is one thing I don't understand. It's true. (Haven't got a clue) B-b-b-baby, I can tell you've got a big problem. When I flush the john, the shower goes on. (Baby) Now whatcha gonna do? If drano's a joke and your plunger is broke. Baby call the mensch with the monkey-wrench. (Baby) He'll be there for you. (you you) Shower's backing up (up up) Water won't go down (down down) Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba baby. Don't forget my plumber. Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba baby. (baby baby baby) Sink's been backed-up all Summer. Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba baby. (baby baby baby) Better call the plumber. He'll know what to do. Pipes been blowing up Pipes been breaking down And the carpet's soaked, right through. Ba-ba ba ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba ba. Ba-ba ba ba ba Kitchen's flooded too. Ba-ba ba ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba ba. Ba-ba ba ba ba Girl, you know it's true. B-b-b-betcha this guy makes more than my lawyer. If he works for one day, costs you half a years pay. (Baby) He can be here by two. So if you've got cash, he'll be there in a flash. Makin' service calls in his overalls. (Baby) He'll do his best for you. (you you) Sewers backing up (up up) Got you feeling down (down down) Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba baby. Don't forget my plumber. (plumber plumber) Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba baby. (baby baby baby) Leaky pipes are a bummer. Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba baby. (baby baby baby) Time to call the plumber. (plumber plumber) Maybe call a few. Got a problem with plumbing? (gotta problem with plumbing) Gotta blame it on something. (gotta blame it on something) Blame it on the drain that was cloggin' cloggin'. Blame it on the faucet that drips all night. If hairballs, grease and goo won't let the water through, Blame it on the drain, yea yea. When I flush the john, now when I flush the john, It turns the shower on. (on on) (Roto-Rooter 6-500) Ba ba-ba-ba baby, (baby baby) better call my plumber. (plumber plumber) He'll know what to do. "Don't Love Me Anymore" ----------------------- We've been together for so very long. But now things are changing, oh I wonder what's wrong? Seems you don't want me around. The passion is gone and the flame's died down. I guess I lost a little bit of self-esteem, That time that you made it with the whole hockey team. You used to think I was nice, Now, you tell all your friends that I'm the anti-christ. Oh, why did you disconnect the brakes on my car? That kind of thing is hard to ignore. Got a funny feeling you don't love me anymore. * I knew that we were having problems when, You put those piranhas in my bathtub again. You're still the light of my life. Oh, darlin', I'm beggin', won't you put down that knife? You know I even think it's kinda cute, the way, You poison my coffee just a little each day. I still remember the way that you laughed, When you pushed me down the elevator shaft. Oh, if you don't mind me askin', What's this poisonous cobra doing in my underwear drawer? Sometimes I get to thinking, you don't love me anymore. * You slammed my face down on the barbecue grill. Now my scars are all healing but my heart never will. You set my house on fire. You pulled out my chest-hairs with an old pair of pliers. Oh, you think I'm ugly and you say I'm cheap. You shaved off my eyebrows while I was asleep. you drilled a hole in my head. Then you dumped me in a drainage ditch and left me for dead. Oh, you know this really isn't like you at all. You never acted this way before. Honey, something tells me you don't love me anymore. Oh no no. Got a funny feeling you don't love me anymore. ----