The Princess Bride

                       Cast of Characters:

The Albino                      Mel Smith
The Ancient Booer               Margery Mason
The Assistant Brute             Paul Badger
Buttercup, The Princess Bride   Robin Wright
Fezzik                          Andre the Giant
The Grandfather                 Peter Falk
The Grandson                    Fred Savage
Prince Humperdinck              Chris Sarandon
The Impressive Clergyman        Peter Cook
The King                        Willoughby Gray
Miracle Max                     Billy Crystal
Inigo Montoya                   Mandy Patinkin
The Mother                      Betsy Brantley
The Queen                       Anne Dyson
Count Rugen                     Christopher Guest
Valerie                         Carol Kane
Vizzini                         Wallace Shawn
Westley                         Cary Elwes
Yellin                          Malcolm Storry

                     Directed by Rob Reiner
              Based on the book by William Goldman
                     Music by Mark Knopfler

[Scene: Grandson's bedroom, Grandson is on the bed, playing video

Mother:     Hi, honey.

Grandson:   Hi, Mom.

Mother:     < kiss > You feelin' any better?

Grandson:   A little bit.

Mother:     Guess what?

Grandson:   What?

Mother:     Your Grandfather's here.

Grandson:   Mom, can't you tell him I'm sick?

Mother:     You're sick? That's why he's here.

Grandson:   He'll pinch my cheek. I hate that.

Mother:     Maybe he won't.

Grandfather:Heyyyy!! How's the sickie, eh?

Mother:     I think I'll leave you two pals alone.

Grandfather:I brought you a special present.

Grandson:   What is it??

Grandfather:Open it up.

            [pause as Grandson opens present]

Grandson:   A book ?

Grandfather:That's right. When I was your age, television was
            called books. And this is a special book. It was the
            book my father used to read to me when I was sick,
            and I used to read it to your father, and today, I'm
            gonna read it to you.

Grandson:   Does it got any sports in it?

Grandfather:Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture,
            revenge, giants,monsters, chases, escapes, True
            Love, miracles....

Grandson:   Doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake.

Grandfather:Oh. Well thank you very much. Very nice of you. Your
            vote of confidence is overwhelming. All right. The
            Princess Bride, by S. Morgenstern, Chapter One.
            Buttercup was raised on a small farm in the country
            of Florin. Her favorite pastimes were riding her
            horse and tormenting the farm boy that worked there.
            His name was Westley, but she never called him


            Isn't that a wonderful beginning?

Grandson:   Yeah, it's really good.

[Scene: Farm]

Grandfather:"Nothing gave Buttercup as much pleasure as ordering
            Westley around."

Buttercup:  Farm Boy, polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my
            face shining in it by morning.

Westley:    As you wish.

Grandfather:"'As you wish' was all he ever said to her."

Buttercup:  Farm boy, fill these with water...please.

Westley:    As you wish.

Grandfather:"That day she was amazed to discover that when he
            was saying 'As you wish', what he meant was, 'I love
            you.' And even more amazing was the day she realized
            she truly loved him back."

Buttercup:  Farm boy...fetch me that pitcher.

Westley:    As you wish.

            < she smiles..[scene segues to sunset].they kiss >

[Scene: Bedroom]

Grandson:   Hold it, hold it! What is this? Are you tryin' to
            trick me? Where's the sports? < gravely  > Is this a
            kissing book?

Grandfather:Wait, just wait.

Grandson:   Well when does it get good?

Grandfather:Keep your shirt on, let me read. "Westley had no
            money for marriage, so he packed a few belongings
            and left the farm to seek his fortune across the
            sea. It was a very emotional time for Buttercup."

Grandson:   I don't believe this!

[Scene: Farmhouse]

Buttercup:  I fear I'll never see you again.

Westley:    Of course you will.

Buttercup:  But what if something happens to you?

Westley:    Hear this now: I will always come for you.

Buttercup:  But how can you be sure?

Westley:    This is True Love. You think this happens every day??

Grandfather:"Westley didn't reach his destination. His ship was
            attackedby the dread pirate Roberts, who never left
            captives alive. When Buttercup got the news that
            Westley was murdered,--"

Grandson:   Murdered by pirates is good....

Grandfather:"She went into her room and shut the door, and for
            days she neither slept nor ate."

Buttercup:  I will never love again.

[Scene: Main Square. Humperdinck, King on balcony]

Grandfather:"Five years later, the main square of Florin City
            was filled as never before to hear the announcement
            of the great Prince Humperdinck's bride-to-be."

Humperdinck:< addressing the crowd >

            My people, a month from now, our country will have
            its 500th anniversary. On that sundown, I shall
            marry a lady who was once a commoner like
            yourselves. But perhaps you will not find her common
            now. Would you like to meet her?

People:     Yes!

Humperdinck:My people, the Princess Buttercup. [Buttercup
            enters, wearing crown and gown.]

[Scene: Outside Florin City walls. Buttercup is riding a horse]

Grandfather:"Buttercup's emptiness consumed her. Although the
            law of the land gave Humperdinck the right to choose
            his bride, she did not love him. Despite
            Humperdinck's reassurances that she would grow to
            love him, the only joy she found was in her daily

[Scene: Lane alongside river. Three men stop Buttercup.]

Vizzini:    A word, my lady. We are but poor, lost circus
            performers. Is there a village nearby?

Buttercup:  There is nothing nearby...not for miles.

Vizzini:    Then there will be no one to hear you scream!

Inigo:      What is that you're ripping?

Vizzini:    It's fabric from the uniform of an army officer of

Fezzik:     Who's Gilder?

Vizzini:    The country across the sea, the sworn enemy of
            Florin. < to horse > Go!

            [The four board a boat]

            Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will
            make the prince suspect the Gilderians have abducted
            his love. When he finds her body dead on the Gilder
            frontier, his suspicions will be totally confirmed.

Fezzik:     You never said anything about killing anyone.

Vizzini:    I've hired you to help me start a war. It's a
            prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious

Fezzik:     I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent

Vizzini:    Am I going mad, or did the word "THINK" escape your

Inigo:      I agree with Fezzik.


Inigo:      That Vizzini, he can fuss.

Fezzik:     Fuss, fuss...I think he like to scream... at us.

Inigo:      Probably he means no harm.

Fezzik:     He's really very short on... charm.

Inigo:      You have a great gift for rhyme.

Fezzik:     Yes, yes, some of the time.

Vizzini:    Enough of that!

Inigo:      Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?

Fezzik:     If there are, we all be dead!

Vizzini:    No more rhymes now, I mean it!

Fezzik:     Anybody want a peanut?

Vizzini:    DYEEAAHHHHHH!!

[Scene: Open water. Inigo is looking behind the boat frequently]

Vizzini:    We'll reach the cliffs by dawn. Why are you doing

Inigo:      Are you sure nobody's follow us?

Vizzini:    That would be inconceivable.

Buttercup:  Despite what you think, you will be caught. And when
            you are, the prince will see you all hanged.

Vizzini:    Of all the necks on this boat, Highness, the one you
            should be worrying about is your own. [pause] Stop
            doing that! We can all relax, it's almost over.

Inigo:      You are sure nobody's follow us?

Vizzini:    As I told you, it would be absolutely, totally, and
            in all other ways, inconceivable. No one in Gilder
            knows what we've done, and no one in Florin could've
            gotten here so fast. [pause] Out of curiosity, why
            do you ask?

Inigo:      No reason. Suddenly, I just happen to look behind us
            and something is there.

Vizzini:    Probably some local fisherman out for a pleasure
            cruise at night...through eel-infested waters.

            [Buttercup dives overboard, and starts swimming away]

            < splash! >

Vizzini:    Wha-wh-Go in! Get after her!

Inigo:      I don't swim.

Fezzik:     I only dog paddle.

Vizzini:    DYEEAAHHHHHH!! VEER LEFT! LEFT! LEFT! < to Buttercup

[Scene: Boy's bedroom]

Grandfather:She doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time.

Grandson:   What?

Grandfather:The eel doesn't get her. Now, I'm explaining to you
            because you look nervous.

Grandson:   I wasn't nervous. Well, maybe I was a little bit
            concerned, but that's not the same thing.

Grandfather:Because we can stop now if you want.

Grandson:   No, you could read a little bit more, if you want.

[Scene: Back on boat]

Grandfather:"Do you know what that sound is, Highness? Those are
            the shrieking eels."

Grandson:   We passed that, Grandpa. You read it already.

Grandfather:Oh, oh my goodness I did. I'm sorry. Beg your
            pardon. All right, all right. Let's see. She was in
            the water, the eel was comin' after her, she was
            frightened, the eel started to charge her, and then-

            [Buttercup lifted out of the water]

Vizzini:    Put her down, just put her down.

Inigo:      I think he's getting closer.



            I suppose you think you're brave, don't you?

Buttercup:  Only compared to some.

[Scene: Base of The Cliffs of Insanity.]

Inigo:      Look! He's right on top of us. I wonder if he's using
            the same wind we are using.

            THING! [pause] MOVE IT! We're safe. Only Fezzik is
            strong enough to go up our way. He'll have to sail
            around for hours till he finds a harbor.

[Scene: Climbing the Cliffs. Inigo, Vizzini and Buttercup are
clinging to

Fezzik, as he climbs a rope to the top]

Inigo:      He's climbing the rope. And he's gaining on us.

Vizzini:    Inconceivable! [pause] FASTER!

Fezzik:     I thought I was going faster.


Fezzik:     Well, I'm carrying three people, and he's got only


Fezzik:     Don't say that, Vizzini. Please?


[Scene: At the top. Fezzik, Vizzini and Inigo are looking down at
the masked man climbing the cliff after Vizzini has cut the rope]

Fezzik:     He's got very good arms.


Inigo:      You keep using that word. I do not think it means
            what you think it means. [pause] My God! He's

Vizzini:    Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the
            princess and must therefore die. You, carry her.
            We'll head straight for the Gilder frontier. Catch
            up when he's dead. If he falls, fine. If not, the

Inigo:      I'm going to do him left-handed.


Inigo:      Is is the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my
            right, over too quickly.

Vizzini:    Oh, have it your way.

Fezzik:     You be careful. People in masks cannot be trusted.

Vizzini:    I'M WAITING!

            [Vizzini, Fezzik and Buttercup depart the Ruins,
            leaving Inigo to prepair for the masked man]

Inigo:      Hello there! Slow going?

Dread Pirate Roberts: < climbing cliff >

            Look, I don't mean to be rude, but this is not as
            easy as it looks, so I'd appreciate it if you
            wouldn't distract me.

Inigo:      Sorry.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            [tersely] Thank you.

Inigo:      I do not suppose you could a-speed things up?

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope or
            a tree branch or find something useful to do.

Inigo:      I could do that. I still got some rope up here, but I
            do not think you would accept my help, since I am
            only waiting around to kill you.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            That does put a damper on our relationship.

Inigo:      But, I promise I will not kill you until you reach
            the top.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            That's very comforting, but I'm afraid you'll just
            have to wait.

Inigo:      I hate waiting. I could give you my word as a

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            No good. I've known too many Spaniards.

Inigo:      Is there not any way you'll trust me?

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            Nothing comes to mind.

Inigo:      I swear, on the soul of my father, Domingo Montoya,
            you will reach the top alive.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            Throw me the rope.

            [Roberts reaches the top]

            Thank you.

Inigo:      W-w-w-w-we'll wait until you are ready.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            Again, thank you.

Inigo:      I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance
            happen to have six fingers on your right hand?

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            Do you always begin conversations this way?

Inigo:      My father was slaughtered by a six-fingered man. Was
            a great sword-maker, my father. When the six-
            fingered man appear and request a special sword, my
            father took the job. He slave a year before it was

Dread Pirate Roberts: < admiring the sword >

            I've never seen its equal.

Inigo:      Six-fingered man returned and demanded it, but at one-
            tenth his promised price. My father refuse. Without
            a word, the six-fingered man slash him through the
            heart. I loved my father, so naturally I challenged
            his murderer to a duel. I fail. Six-fingered man
            leave me alive. But he give me this.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            How old were you?

Inigo:      I was eleven years old. When I was a-strong enough, I
            dedicated my life to the study of fencing, so the
            next time we meet, I will not fail. I will go up to
            the six-fingered man and say, "Hello. My name is
            Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            You've done nothing but study swordplay?

Inigo:      More a pursuit than a study, lately. You see, I
            cannot find him. It has been twenty years now and I
            am starting to lose confidence. I just work for
            Vizzini to pay the bills. It's not a lot of money in

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            Well, I-I certainly hope you find him someday.

Inigo:      You are ready, then?

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair.

Inigo:      You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die.

Inigo:      Begin.

            You are using Bonetti's defense against me, uh?

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            I thought it fitting, considering the rocky terrain.

Inigo:      Naturally, you must expect me to attack with Capo

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            Naturally, but I find that Thibault cancels Capo
            Ferro, don't you?

Inigo:      Unless the enemy hasn't studied his Agrippa,

            which I have! [pause] You are wonderful!

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            Thank you. I've worked hard to become so.

Inigo:      I admit it, you are better than I am.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            Then why are you smiling?

Inigo:      Because I know something you don't know.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            And what is that?

Inigo:      I am not left-handed.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            You're amazing!

Inigo:      I ought to be after twenty years.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            There is something I ought to tell you.

Inigo:      Tell me.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            I'm not left-handed either.

Inigo:      Who are you?

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            No one of consequence.

Inigo:      I must know.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            Get used to disappointment.

            < Inigo shrugs >

Inigo:      Okay.

            [pause, as they continue to fight]

            Kill me quickly.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            I would as soon destroy a stained-glass window as an
            artist like yourself. However, since I can't have
            you following me either....

            [Roberts hits Inigo over the head with the hilt of
            his sword]

            [Inigo hits the ground, out cold. Roberts

            Please understand I hold you in the highest respect.

[Scene: Halfway up a hill, nearby boulders. Vizzini sees the
black figure of Roberts moving towards them]

Vizzini:    INCONCEIVABLE! Give her to me. Catch up with us

Fezzik:     What do I do?


Fezzik:     Oh good, my way. Thank you, Vizzini.

            [Fezzik pauses, thinking]

            Which way's my way?

Vizzini:    Pick up one of those rocks, get behind the boulder.
            In a few minutes the man in black will come running
            around the bend. The minute his head is in view, HIT
            IT WITH THE ROCK!!

Fezzik:     My way's not very sportsmanlike.

            [Roberts approaches the boulders, then slows down.

            A rock disintegrates itself just in front of him]

Fezzik:     I did that on purpose. I didn't have to miss.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            I believe you. [pause] So what happens now?

Fezzik:     We face each other as God intended...sportmanlike. No
            tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            You mean, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down
            my sword and we'll try and kill each other like
            civilized people?

Fezzik:     I could kill you now.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor
            at hand fighting.

Fezzik:     It's not my fault being the biggest and the
            strongest. I don't even exercise.

            [Roberts puts down the sword, and begins to pummel

            to no effect]

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            Look, are you just fiddling around with me or what?

Fezzik:     I just want you to feel you're doing well. I hate for
            people to die embarrassed.

            [Roberts dodges swipes from Fezzik]

            You're quick.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            And a good thing, too.

Fezzik:     Why are you wearing a mask? Were you burned by acid
            or something like that?

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            Oh no, it's just they're terribly comfortable. I
            think everyone'll be wearing them in the future.

Fezzik:     I just figured why you give me so much trouble.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            Why's that, do you think?

Fezzik:     Well, I haven't fought just one person for so long.
            I've been specializing in groups. Battling gangs for
            local charities, that kind of thing.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            Why should that make such a < strained > difference?

Fezzik:     Well, you see, you use different moves when you're
            fighting half a dozen people than when you only have
            to be worried about ... one.

            [Fezzik drops unconscious to the ground]

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            I do not envy you the headache you will have when you
            awake. But, in the meantime, rest well, and dream of
            large women.

[Scene: The Ruins. Humperdinck is looking at the scuff marks on
the ground Mounted soldiers and Count Rugen are present]

Humperdinck:There was a mighty duel. It ranged all over. They
            were both masters.

Count Rugen:Who won? How did it end?

Humperdinck:The loser... ran off alone, and the winner followed
            those footprints... toward Gilder.

Count Rugen:Shall we track them both?

Humperdinck:The loser is nothing. Only the princess matters.
            Clearly this was all planned by warriors of Gilder.
            We must all be ready for whatever lies ahead.

Count Rugen:Could this be a trap?

Humperdinck:I always think everything could be a trap...which is
            why I'm still alive.

[Scene: Open area. Vizzini is seated behind a covered table.
Buttercup, blindfolded, is sitting to his left. On the table is a
bottle of wine and two goblets. Roberts approaches the Table]

Vizzini:    So it is down to you, and it is down to me. If you
            wish her dead, by all means, keep moving forward.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            Let me explain--

Vizzini:    There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap
            what I have rightfully stolen.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            Perhaps an arrangement can be reached?

Vizzini:    There will be no arrangement, and you're killing her.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            Well if there can be no arrangement, then we are at
            an impasse.

Vizzini:    I'm afraid so. I can't compete with you physically,
            and you're no match for my brains.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            You're that smart?

Vizzini:    Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of Plato,
            Aristotle, Socrates?

Dread Pirate Roberts:


Vizzini:    Morons.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            Really. [pause] In that case, I challenge you to a
            battle of wits.

Vizzini:    For the princess? < Pirate nods > To the death? <
            Pirate nods > I accept.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            Good. Then pour the wine.

            [Roberts pulls out a small vial, and uncorks it]

            Inhale this, but do not touch.

Vizzini:    I smell nothing.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            What you do not smell is called Iocane powder. It is
            odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid,
            and is among the more deadly poisons known to man.

Vizzini:    Hmmmm.

Dread Pirate Roberts: < turns away from Vizzini with the goblets,
            and pours the poison in. Goblets replaced on the
            table, one in front of each. >

            All right. Where is the poison? The battle of wits
            has begun. It ends when you decide and we both
            drink, and find out who is right...and who is dead.

Vizzini:    But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from
            what I know of you: are you the sort of man who
            would put the poison into his own goblet or his
            enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into
            his own goblet, because he would know that only a
            great fool would reach for what he was given. I am
            not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the
            wine in front of you. But you must have known I was
            not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I
            can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            You've made your decision then?

Vizzini:    Not remotely. Because iocane comes from Australia, as
            everyone knows, and Australia is entirely peopled
            with criminals, and criminals are used to having
            people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me,
            so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.

Vizzini:    WAIT TILL I GET GOING! Where was I?

Dread Pirate Roberts:


Vizzini:    Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would
            have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not
            choose the wine in front of me.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            You're just stalling now.

Vizzini:    You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten
            my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong,
            so you could've put the poison in your own goblet,
            trusting on your strength to save you, so I can
            clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But,
            you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must
            have studied, and in studying you must have learned
            that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison
            as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly
            not choose the wine in front of me.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            You're trying to trick me into giving away something.
            It won't work.

            WHERE THE POISON IS!

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            Then make your choice.

Vizzini:    I will, and I choose-- What in the world can that be?

            [Vizzini gestures up and away from the table. Roberts

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            What? Where? I don't see anything.

Vizzini:    Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No

            [Vizzini smirks]

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            What's so funny?

Vizzini:    I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink. Me
            from my glass, and you from yours. < they drink >

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            You guessed wrong.

Vizzini:    You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so
            funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned!
            Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the
            classic blunders! The most famous is never get
            involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly
            less well-known is this: never go in against a
            Sicilian when death is on the line!! Ha ha ha ha ha
            ha ha!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha--

            [Vizzini stops suddenly, and falls dead to the right]

Buttercup:  Who are you?

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            I'm no one to be trifled with. That is all you ever
            need know.

Buttercup:  And to think, all that time it was your cup that was

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years
            building up an immunity to iocane powder.

[Scene: At the Boulders]

Humperdinck:Someone has beaten a giant. There will be great
            suffering in Gilder if she dies.

[Scene: Along a hilltop]

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            Catch your breath.

Buttercup:  If you'll release me, whatever you ask for ransom,
            you'll get it, I promise you.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            < laughs > And what is that worth, the promise of a
            woman? You're very funny, Highness.

Buttercup:  I was giving you a chance. It does not matter where
            you take me. There is no greater hunter than Prince
            Humperdinck. He can track a falcon on a cloudy day.
            He can find you.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            You think your dearest love will save you?

Buttercup:  I never said he was my dearest love, and yes, he will
            save me. That I know.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            You admit to me that you do not love your fiance.

Buttercup:  He knows I do not love him.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            Are not capable of love is what you mean.

Buttercup:  I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself
            could ever dream.

Dread Pirate Roberts: < almost slaps her >

            That was a warning, Highness. The next time my hand
            flies on its own, for where I come from, there are
            penalties when a woman lies.

[Scene: At the Table. Humperdinck sniffs at vial]

Humperdinck:Iocane. I'd bet my life on it. And there are the
            princess's footprints. She's alive, or was an hour
            ago. If she is otherwise when I find her, I shall be
            very put out.

[Scene: Grassy Hilltop, alongside a gully]

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            Rest, Highness.

Buttercup:  I know who you are. Your cruelty reveals everything.
            You're the dread pirate Roberts, admit it!

Dread Pirate Roberts: < bowing > With pride. What can I do for

Buttercup:  You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            Tsk-tsk-tsk. Hardly complimentary, your Highness. Why
            loose your venom on me?

Buttercup:  You killed my love.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            It's possible. I kill a lot of people. Who was this
            love of yours? Another prince like this one, ugly,
            rich, and scabby?

Buttercup:  No. A farm boy. Poor. Poor and perfect. With eyes
            like the sea after a storm. On the high seas, your
            ship attacked. And the dread pirate Roberts never
            takes prisoners.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            I can't afford to make exceptions. I mean once word
            leaks out that a pirate has gone soft, people begin
            to disobey you and it's nothing but work, work, work
            all the time.

Buttercup:  You mock my pain!

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently
            is selling something. [pause] I remember this farm
            boy of yours, I think. This would be what, five
            years ago? Does it bother you to hear?

Buttercup:  Nothing you can say will upset me.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            He died well. That should please you. No bribe
            attempts or blubbering. He simply said, "Please...
            please, I need to live." It was the "please" that
            caught my memory. I asked him what was so important
            for him here. "True Love", he replied. And then he
            spoke of a girl of surpassing beauty and
            faithfulness. I can only assume he meant you. You
            should bless me for destroying him before he found
            out what you really are.

Buttercup:  And what am I?

Dread Pirate Roberts:

            Faithfulness he talked of, madame, your enduring
            fathfulness. Now tell me truly, when you found out
            he was gone, did you get engaged to your prince that
            same hour, or did you wait a whole week out of
            respect for the dead?

Buttercup:  You mocked me once. Never do it again! I died that
            day! [pause] And you can die too for all I care!

            [Buttercup pushes Roberts down the hill]

Dread Pirate Roberts: < rolling >

            As... you... wish!!

Buttercup:  Oh my sweet Westley, what have I done?

            [Buttercup jumps down the hill, rolling after him]

[Scene: Hilltop. Humperdinck and Soldiers are mounted.]

Humperdinck:He disappeared. He must have seen us closing in. It
            might account for his panicking into error. Unless I
            am wrong, and I am never wrong, they are headed dead
            into the fire swamp.

[Scene: Gully. Roberts lost his mask on the roll down.]

Westley:    Can you move at all?

Buttercup:  Move? You're alive! If you want I can fly.

Westley:    I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't
            you wait for me?

Buttercup:  Well, you were dead.

Westley:    Death cannot stop True Love. All it can do is delay
            it for a while.

Buttercup:  I will never doubt again.

Westley:    [quietly] There will never be a need.

            < they kiss >

[Scene: Boy's bedroom]

Grandson:   Aw, no. No, please.

Grandfather:What is it? What's the matter?

Grandson:   They're kissing again. Do we have to hear the kissing

Grandfather:Someday, you may not mind so much.

Grandson:   Skip on to the fire swamp. That sounded good.

Grandfather:Oh. You're sick, I'll humor you. So now...where were
            we? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh...okay. "Westley
            and Buttercup raced along the ravine floor."

[Scene: Ravine floor. Ahead looms the dark of the Fire Swamp]

Westley:    Ha! Your pig fiance is too late. A few more steps and
            we'll be safe in the fire swamp.

Buttercup:  We'll never survive.

Westley:    Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever

[Scene: Inside the Fire Swamp]

Westley:    It's not that bad. [pause] Well, I'm not saying I'd
            like to build a summer home here, but the trees are
            actually quite lovely.

            [they walk]

            [There is a series of thumping sounds approaching
            Buttercup. A Flame Spout appears beside her]

Buttercup:  < screams >

            [Her gown catches fire. Westley smothers it]

Westley:    Well now, that was an adventure. Singed a bit, were

Buttercup:  < shakes head > You?

Westley:    < shakes head > Well, one thing I will say. The fire
            swamp certainly does keep you on your toes. This
            will all soon be but a happy memory.

            ---Roberts' ship Revenge, and I came at the far end.
            And I, as you know, am Roberts.

Buttercup:  But how is that possible, since he's been maurauding
            twenty years, and you only left me five years ago?

Westley:    I myself am often surprised at life's little quirks.
            See, what I told you before about saying "please"
            was true. It intrigued Roberts, as did my
            descriptions of your beauty. Finally, Roberts
            decided something. He said, "All right Westley, I've
            never had a valet, you can try if you'd like. I'll
            most likely kill you in the morning." Three years he
            said that. "Good night Westley. Good work. Sleep
            well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." It
            was a fine time for me. I was learning to fence,
            fight, anything anyone would teach me. And Roberts
            and I eventually became friends. And then it

Buttercup:  What? Go on.

Westley:    Well, Roberts had grown so rich, he wanted to retire.
            So he took me to his cabin, and told me his secret.
            "I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts", he said. "My
            name is Ryan. I inherited the ship from the previous
            dread pirate Roberts, just as you will inherit it
            from me. The man I inherited it from was not the
            real dread pirate Roberts either. His name was
            Cummerbund. The real Roberts has been retired
            fifteen years and living like a king in Patagonia."
            Thank you. Then he explained that the name was the
            important thing for inspiring the necessary fear.
            You see, no one would surrender to the dread pirate
            Westley. So we sailed ashore, took on an entirely
            new crew, and he stayed aboard for a while as first
            mate, all the time calling me Roberts. Once the crew
            believed, he left the ship, and I have been Roberts
            ever since. Except now that we're together, I shall
            retire and hand the name over to someone else. Is
            everything clear to you?

Buttercup:  < doubtfully nods head >

            [She steps into a patch of Lightning Sand, and
            promptly disappears]


            [Westley cuts a vine, and dives in after her]

Buttercup and Westley: < gasp!! cough!!! >

Buttercup:  We'll never succeed. We may as well die here.

Westley:    No, no. We have already succeeded. I mean, what are
            the three terrors of the fire swamp? One, the flame
            spurt. No problem. There's a popping sound preceding
            each, we can avoid that. Two, the lightning sand,
            but you were clever enough to discover what that
            looks like, so in the future we can avoid that too.

Buttercup:  Westley, what about the R.O.U.S's?

Westley:    Rodents Of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist.

            [A large R.O.U.S appears and pounces onWestley]


Buttercup:  Westley!!

Westley:    Arr! Aarrrggghhh!!

            [Fight/Wrestling - Westley vs. R.O.U.S. Flame Spurt
            appears, igniting the fur of the rodent. Westley
            stabs it]

Rodent:     Brawr rawr rawr!


[Scene: Outside the Fire Swamp, in a lightly wooded area]

Buttercup:  We did it.

Westley:    Now, was that so terrible?


Westley:    You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I

Humperdinck:I give you full marks for bravery. Don't make
            yourself a fool.

Westley:    Ah, but how will you capture us? We know the secrets
            of the fire swamp. We can live there quite happily
            for some time, so whenever you feel like dying, feel
            free to visit.

Humperdinck:I tell you once again, surrender!

Westley:    It will not happen.

Humperdinck:For the last time, surrender!

Westley:    Death first!!

Buttercup:  Will you promise not to hurt him?

Humperdinck:What was that?

Westley:    What was that?

Buttercup:  If we surrender and I return with you, will you
            promise not to hurt this man?

Humperdinck:May I live a thousand years and never hunt again.

Buttercup:  He is a sailor on the pirate ship Revenge. Promise to
            return him to his ship.

Humperdinck:I swear it will be done.


            Once we're out of sight, take him back to Florin and
            throw him in the Pit of Despair.

Count Rugen:I swear it will be done.

Buttercup:  < to Westley >

            I thought you were dead once and it almost destroyed
            me. I could not bear it if you died again, not when
            I could save you.

Count Rugen:< to Westley >

            Come, sir, we must get you to your ship.


Westley:    We are men of action. Lies do not become us.

Count Rugen:Well spoken, sir.

            [Westley notices Rugen's hand]

            What is it?

Westley:    You have six fingers on your right hand. Someone was
            looking for you.

            [Rugen knocksWestley cold]

[Scene: Pit of Despair. Westley is strapped to a table, in front
of a Large machine that consists of a waterwheel, levers, pumps
etc. An Albino is tending to Westley's wounds]

Westley:    Where am I?

Albino:     [menacing voice] The Pit of Despair. Don't even think-
            - < cough, gasp! > [normal voice] Don't even think
            about trying to escape. The chains are far too
            thick. And don't dream of being rescued, either. The
            only way in is secret, and only the prince, the
            count, and I know how to get in and out.

Westley:    Then I'm here till I die?

Albino:     Till they kill you, yeah.

Westley:    Then why bother curing me?

Albino:     [sighs] The prince and the count always insist on
            everyone being healthy before they're broken.

Westley:    So it's to be torture then? < Albino nods head > I
            can cope with torture < Albino shakes head > Don't
            believe me?

Albino:     You survived the fire swamp, you must be very brave,
            but nobody withstands The Machine.

[Scene: In the castle, Humperdinck watches a melancholy

Humperdinck:She's been like that ever since the fire swamp. It's
            my father's failing health that's upsetting her.

Count Rugen:Of course.

[Scene: Florin Market. Humperdinck addresses the crowd from the

Grandfather:"The king died that very night, and before the
            following dawn, Buttercup and Humperdinck were
            married. And at noon she met her subjects again,
            this time as their queen."

Humperdinck:My father's final words were:---

Grandson:   Hold it, hold it, Grandpa. Y-you read that wrong. She
            doesn't marry Humperdinck, she married Westley. I'm
            just sure of it. After all that Westley did for her,
            if she didn't marry him, it wouldn't be fair.

Grandfather:Well, who says life is fair? Where is that written?
            Life isn't always fair.

Grandson:   I'm telling you, you're messing up the story, now get
            it right!

Grandfather:Do you want me to go on with this?

Grandson:   Yes.

Grandfather:All right, then. No more interruptions. "At noon she
            met her subjects again, this time as their queen."

Humperdinck:My father's final words were: "Love her as I loved
            her and there will be joy." I present to you your
            queen, Queen Buttercup!

            [Buttercup appears.]

Ancient Booer: Boo! Boo! Boo!

            [The Booer moves to the front of the crowd]

Buttercup:  Why do you do this?

Ancient Booer: Because you had love in your hands, and you gave
            it up.

Buttercup:  But they would have killed Westley if I hadn't done

Ancient Booer: Your true love lives! And you marry another. True
            Love saved her in the fire swamp, and she treated it
            like garbage. And that's what she is, the queen of
            refuse. So bow down to her if you want, bow to her.
            Bow to the queen of slime, the queen of filth, the
            queen of putrescence. Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth!
            Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo! Boo!

Buttercup:  < gasp! >

[Scene: Numperdinck's Office]

Grandfather:"It was ten days till the wedding. The king still
            lived, but Buttercup's nightmares were growing
            steadily worse."

Grandson:   See? Didn't I tell you she'd never marry that rotten

Grandfather:Yes, you're very smart. Shut up.

Buttercup:  If it comes to this. I love Westley. I always have. I
            know now I always will. If you tell me I must marry
            you in ten days, please believe I will be dead by

Humperdinck:I could never cause you grief. Consider our wedding
            off. < to Rugen > You, uh, returned this Westley to
            his ship?

Count Rugen:Yes.

Humperdinck:Then we will simply alert him. Beloved, are you
            certain he still wants you? After all, it was you
            who did the leaving in the fire swamp. Not to
            mention that pirates are not known to be men of
            their words.

Buttercup:  My Westley will always come for me.

Humperdinck:I suggest a deal. You write four copies of a letter.
            I'll send my four fastest ships, one in each
            direction. The dread pirate Roberts is always close
            to Florin this time of year. We'll run up the white
            flag and deliver your message. If Westley wants you,
            bless you both. If not, please consider me as an
            alternative to suicide. Are we agreed?

Buttercup:  < nods head >

            [Buttercup leaves.  Segue to forest scene.]

Count Rugen:< later > Your princess is really quite a winning
            creature. A trifle simple, perhaps, but her appeal
            is undeniable.

Humperdinck:Oh, I know, the people are quite taken with her.
            It's odd, but when I hired Vizzini to have her
            murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was
            clever. But it's going to be so much more moving
            when I strangle her on our wedding night. Once
            Gilder is blamed, the nation will be truly outraged.
            They'll demand we go to war.

[Scene: Forested area. Large trees. Rugen is searching a tree

Count Rugen:Hmmm. Now where is that secret knot? It's impossible
            to find. Hah! Are you coming down into the Pit?
            Westley's got his strength back. I'm starting him on
            the Machine tonight.

Humperdinck:Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work,
            but I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan,
            my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Gilder
            to frame for it. I'm swamped!

Count Rugen:Get some rest. If you haven't got your health, you
            haven't got anything.

[Scene: Pit of Despair]

Count Rugen:Beautiful, isn't it? Took me half a lifetime to
            invent it. I'm sure you've discovered my deep and
            abiding interest in pain. At present, I'm writing
            the definitive work on the subject, so I want you to
            be totally honest with me on how The Machine makes
            you feel. This being our first try, I'll use the
            lowest setting.

            [Rugen moves a lever from zero to one. Water starts
            flowing, powering the machine. Wesley writhes in

            As you know, the concept of the suction pump is
            centuries old. Well, really that's all this is
            except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking
            life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I
            might one day go as high as five, but I really don't
            know what that would do to you, so let's just start
            with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me.
            And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest.
            How do you feel?

Westley:    < whimpers >

Count Rugen:Interesting.

[Scene: Humperdinck's Office]

Yellin:     Ahem!


Yellin:     Sire.

Humperdinck:[motions Yellin to join him] As chief enforcer of
            all Florin, I trust you with this secret: killers
            from Gilder are infiltrating the Thieves' Forest and
            plan to murder my bride on our wedding night.

Yellin:     My spy network has heard no such news.

            [Buttercup appears at the door]

Buttercup:  Any word from Westley?

Humperdinck:Too soon, my angel. Patience.

Buttercup:  He will come for me.

Humperdinck:Of course.

            < to Yellin > She will not be murdered. On the day of
            the wedding, I want the Thieves' Forest emptied, and
            every inhabitant arrested.

Yellin:     Many of the thieves will resist. My regular enforcers
            will be inadequate.

Humperdinck:FORM A BRUTE SQUAD, then. I want the Thieves' Forest
            emptied before I wed.

Yellin:     It won't be easy, sire.

Humperdinck:Try ruling the world sometime.

[Scene: Thieve's Forest. Brute Squad moving in and about huts]

Grandfather:"The day of the wedding arrived. The brute squad had
            their hands full carrying out Humperdinck's orders."

Yellin:     Is everybody out?

Assistant Brute:

            Almost. There's a Spaniard giving us some trouble.

Yellin:     Well you give him some trouble. Move.

[Scene: Outside a hut. Inigo is sitting, nursing a bottle]

Inigo:      I am waiting for you, Vizzini. You told me to go back
            to the beginning. So I have. This is where I am, and
            this is where I will stay. I will not be moved.

Assistant Brute:

            Ho there!

Inigo:      I do not budge. Keep your "Ho there".

Assistant Brute:

            But the prince gave orders.

Inigo:      So did Vizzini. When the job went wrong he went back
            to the beginning. Well, this is where we got the
            job, so it's the beginning. And I am staying till
            Vizzini come.

            [Inigo swipes at Assitant with sword]

Assistant Brute:

            You, brute, come here!

            [Fezzik comes over]

Inigo:      I am waiting for Vizzini.

Fezzik:     You surely are a meanie. Hello.

Inigo:      It's you.

Fezzik:     Who? You don't look so good.

Inigo:      Phbphbphbphbphbphbphbphbt!

Fezzik:     You don't smell so good either.

Inigo:      Perhaps no. I feel fine.

Fezzik:     Yeah?

[Scene: Inside somewhere.]

Grandfather:"Fezzik and Inigo were reunited. And as Fezzik
            nursed his inebriated friend back to health, he told
            Inigo of Vizzini's death and the existence of Count
            Rugen, the six-fingered man. Considering Inigo's
            lifelong search, he handled the news surprisingly

            [Inigo falls head first into a bowl of food]

            Fezzik took great care in reviving Inigo."

            [Fezzik dunks Inigo's head into two buckets in turn]

Inigo:      That's enough! That's enough! Where is this Rugen
            now, so I may kill him?

Fezzik:     He's with the prince, in the castle. But the castle
            gate is guarded by thirty men.

Inigo:      How many could you handle?

Fezzik:     [Counts on fingers]

            I don't think more than ten.

Inigo:      Leaving twenty for me. At my best I could never
            defeat that many. I need Vizzini to plan. I have no
            gift for strategy.

Fezzik:     But Vizzini's dead.

Inigo:      No, not Vizzini. I need the man in black.

Fezzik:     What?

Inigo:      Look, he bested you with strength, your greatness. He
            bested me with steel. He must have out-thought
            Vizzini. And a man who can do that can plan my
            castle onslaught any day. Let's go.

Fezzik:     Where?

Inigo:      To find the man in black, obviously.

Fezzik:     But we don't know where he is!

Inigo:      Don't bother me with trifles. After twenty years, at
            last my father's soul will be at peace. There will
            be blood tonight!

[Scene: Humperdinck's office. Yellin enters.]

Humperdinck:Rise and report.

Yellin:     The Thieves' Forest is emptied. Thirty men guard the
            castle gate.

Humperdinck:Double it. My princess must be safe.

Yellin:     The gate has but one key, and I carry that.

Humperdinck:Ahhh, my dulcet darling. Tonight, we marry. Tomorrow
            morning your men will escort us to Florin channel,
            where every ship in my armada waits to accompany us
            on our honeymoon.

Buttercup:  Every ship but your four fastest, you mean. [pause]
            Every ship but the four you sent.

Humperdinck:Yes. Yes, of course. Naturally not those four.

Yellin:     Ahem. Your majesty.

Buttercup:  You never sent the ships. Don't bother lying. Doesn't
            matter. Westley will come for me anyway.

Humperdinck:You're a silly girl.

Buttercup:  Yes, I am a silly girl, for not having seen sooner
            that you are nothing but a coward with a heart full
            of fear.

Humperdinck:I would not say such things if I were you.

Buttercup:  Why not? You can't hurt me. Westley and I are joined
            by the bonds of love. And you cannot track that, not
            with a thousand bloodhounds. And you cannot break
            it, not with a thousand swords. And when I say you
            are a coward, that is only because you are the
            slimiest weakling ever to crawl the earth.

Humperdinck:I would not say such things if I were you!

[Scene: Pit of Despair. Humperdinck is over Westley]

Humperdinck:You truly love each other, and so you might have
            been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has
            that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. So I
            think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as
            you will.

            [Humperdinck takes the control of The Machine, and
            puts it to the highest setting]

Count Rugen:Not to 50!!!!

Westley:    < assorted groans and wails >

[Scene: Village road.]

Inigo:      Fezzik! Fezzik! Listen! Do you hear? That is the
            sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that
            sound when Rugen slaughtered my father. The man in
            black makes it now.

Fezzik:     The man in black?

Inigo:      His true love is marrying another tonight, so who
            else has the cause for ultimate suffering?

            [They start moving through a crowd]

            Excuse me. Pardon me, it's important. Fezzik, please.

            [Fezzik stands up straight]

Fezzik:     Everybody MOVE!!!

            [the crowd parts]

Inigo:      Thank you.

[Scene: Outside entrance to Pit of Despair. The two have stopped
the Albino, who is pushing a wheelbarrow]

Inigo:      Where is the man in black? You get that from this
            grove, yes? Fezzik, jog his memory.

Fezzik:     < bonks Albino and leaves him out cold >

            I'm sorry, Inigo. I didn't mean to jog him so hard.

            [Inigo draws his sword]

Inigo:      Father, I have failed you for twenty years. Now our
            misery can end. Somewhere, somewhere close by is a
            man who can help us. I cannot find him alone. I need
            you. I need you to guide my sword. Please, guide my

            [Inigo stumbles around, led by the sword. The sword
            hits a tree. Inigo leans against the tree, pressing
            the hidden knot]

[Scene: Pit of Despair]

Fezzik:     He's dead.

Inigo:      Is just not fair.

[Scene: bedroom]

Grandson:   Grandpa, grandpa, wait. Wait, what did Fezzik mean
            "He's dead"? I mean, he didn't mean dead. Westley's
            only faking, right?

Grandfather:You want me to read this or not?

Grandson:   Who gets Humperdinck?

Grandfather:I don't understand.

Grandson:   Who kills Prince Humperdinck? At the end. Somebody's
            got to do it. Is it Inigo, who?

Grandfather:Nobody. Nobody kills him. He lives.

Grandson:   You mean he wins? Jesus, Grandpa, what did you read
            me this thing for?

Grandfather:You know, you've been very sick and you're taking
            this story very seriously. I think we better stop

Grandson:   No, I'm okay. I'm okay. Sit down. I'm all right.

Grandfather:Okay. All right. Now let's see, where were we. Ohhh,
            yes. In the Pit of Despair.

[Scene: Pit of Despair]

Inigo:      Well, the Montoyas have never taken defeat easily.
            Come along, Fezzik. Bring the body.

Fezzik:     The body?

Inigo:      Have you any money?

Fezzik:     I have a little.

Inigo:      I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle, that's all.

            [Scene: Outside a Thatched hut]

            [Inigo knocks on the door. A face appears]

Miracle Max:Go away. What, what?

Inigo:      Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the king all
            those years?

Miracle Max:The king's stinking son fired me. And thank you so
            much for bringing up such a painful subject. While
            you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut
            and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed. [knocking]
            Beat it, or I'll call the brute squad!

Fezzik:     I'm on the brute squad.

Miracle Max:You are the brute squad.

Inigo:      We need a miracle. It's very important.

Miracle Max:Look, I'm retired. And besides, why would you want
            someone the

            king's stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you
            wanted me to miracle.

Inigo:      He's already dead.

Miracle Max:He is, huh? I'll take a look. Bring him in. [pause.
            Holds up arm.]

            [They enter. Westley is laid on the table. Max
            examines him]

            I've seen worse.

Inigo:      Sir...sir??

Miracle Max:Huh?

Inigo:      We're in a terrible rush.

Miracle Max:Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you
            get rotten miracles. You got money?

Inigo:      Sixty-five.

Miracle Max:Sheesh! I never worked for so little. Except once,
            and that was a very noble cause.

Inigo:      This is noble sir. His wife is... crippled. The
            children are on the brink of starvation.

Miracle Max:Are you a rotten liar!

Inigo:      I need him to help avenge my father, murdered these
            twenty years.

Miracle Max:Your first story was better. Where's that bellows
            crammed? He probably owes you money, huh? Well, I'll
            ask him.

Inigo:      He's dead. He can't talk.

Miracle Max:Hoo hoo hoo! Look who knows so much, heh? Well, it
            just so happens that your friend here is only mostly
            dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead
            and all dead. Please, open his mouth. Now, mostly
            dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead...well, with
            all dead, there's usually only one thing you can do.

Inigo:      What's that?

Miracle Max:Go through his clothes and look for loose change.

            [Max puts the bellows to Westley's mouth, and blows
            air in.]

            Hey! Hello in there! Hey! What's so important? What
            you got here that's worth living for?

Westley:    T-R-U-E  L-O-V-E.

Inigo:      "True Love", you heard him? You could not ask for a
            more noble cause than that.

Miracle Max:Yeah, True Love is the greatest thing in the world,
            except for a nice MLT---mutton, lettuce and tomato
            sandwich, when the mutton is nice and lean, and the
            tomato is ripe. < makes puckering sound > They're so
            perky. I love that. But that's not what he said---he
            distinctly said "To blave" and as we all know, to
            blave means to bluff, heh? So you were probably
            playing cards, and he cheated--

            [A withered lady storms into the room]

Valerie:    Liar! Liar! Liar!

Miracle Max:Get back, witch!

Valerie:    I'm not a witch, I'm your wife, but after what you
            just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that

Miracle Max:You never had it so good.

Valerie:    True Love, he said "True Love", Max.

Miracle Max:Not another word, Valerie.

Valerie:    He's afraid. Ever since Prince Humperdinck fired him,
            his confidence is shattered.

Miracle Max:Why'd you say that name? You promised me that you
            would never say that name!

Valerie:    What, Humperdinck?

Miracle Max:Aaaigh!

Valerie:    Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck!
            Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck!
            Humperdinck! Humperdinck!

Miracle Max:I'm not listening.

Valerie:    You're life's expiring, and you don't have the
            decency to say why you won't help.

Miracle Max:Nobody's hearing nothing!

Valerie:    Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck!

Inigo:      This is Buttercup's True Love. If you heal him, he
            will stop Humperdinck's wedding.

Miracle Max:Enough! Wait, wait. I make him better, Humperdinck

Inigo:      Humiliations galore.

Miracle Max:Ha ha ha! I'm gonna lick the dalmation! That is a
            noble cause. Gimme the sixty-five. I'm on the job.

Valerie:    Hoo-woo!

            [Scene of Valerie coating the pill with chocolate]

Inigo:      That a miracle pill?

Valerie:    The chocolate coating makes it go down easier, but
            you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency,
            and he shouldn't go in swimming after for at least--

Miracle Max:An hour--

Valerie:    Yeah, an hour--

Miracle Max:A good hour.

Inigo:      Thank you for everything.

Miracle Max:Okay.

Valerie:    Bye-bye, boys!

Miracle Max:Have fun storming the castle!

Valerie:    Think it'll work?

Miracle Max:It would take a miracle.

Miracle Max and Valerie:


[Scene: Atop a battlement overlooking the gate.]

Fezzik:     Inigo, there's more than thirty!

Inigo:      What's the difference? We've got him. Help me here.
            We'll have to force-feed him.

Fezzik:     Has it been fifteen minutes?

Inigo:      We can't wait. The wedding's in half an hour. We must
            strike in the hustle and the bustle beforehand. Tilt
            his head back. Open his mouth.

Fezzik:     How long do we have to wait, before if we know the
            miracle works?

Inigo:      Your guess is as good as mine.

Westley:    I'll beat you two apart! I'll take you both together!

Fezzik:     I guess not very long.

Westley:    Why won't my arms move?

Fezzik:     You've been mostly dead all day.

Inigo:      We had Miracle Max make a pill to bring you back.

Westley:    Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall?
            Where's Buttercup?

Inigo:      Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.
            Buttercup is marry Humperdinck in little less than
            half an hour, so all we have to do is get in, break
            up the wedding, steal the princess, make our escape,
            after I kill Count Rugen.

Westley:    That doesn't leave much time for dilly-dallying.

Fezzik:     You just wiggled your finger! That's wonderful!

Westley:    I've always been a quick healer. What are our

Inigo:      There is but one working castle gate. And it is
            guarded by... sixty men.

Westley:    And our assets?

Inigo:      Your brains, Fezzik's strength, my steel.

Westley:    That's it? Impossible. If I had a month to plan,
            maybe I could come up with something, but this...<
            shakes head >

Fezzik:     You just shook your head! That doesn't make you

Westley:    My brains, your strength, and his steel against sixty
            men, and you think a little head jiggle is supposed
            to make me happy? Hmmmm? I mean, if we only had a
            wheelbarrow, that would be something.

Inigo:      Where did we put that wheelbarrow the albino had?

Fezzik:     With the albino, I think.

Westley:    Why didn't you list that among our assets in the
            first place? What I wouldn't give for a holocaust

Inigo:      There we cannot help you.

Fezzik:     Would this do?

Inigo:      Where did you get that?

Fezzik:     At Miracle Max's. It fit so nice, he said I could
            keep it.

Westley:    All right, all right. Come on, help me up. Now I'll
            need a sword eventually.

Inigo:      Why? You can't even lift one.

Westley:    True, but that's hardly common knowledge, is it?
            Thank you. Now, there may be problems once we're

Inigo:      I'll say. Namely, how do I find the Count? Once I do,
            how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how
            do I escape?

Fezzik:     Don't pester him. He's had a hard day.

Inigo:      Right. Right. Sorry.

Fezzik:     Inigo?

Inigo:      What?

Fezzik:     I hope we win.

Humperdinck:You don't seem excited, my little muffet.

Buttercup:  Should I be?

Humperdinck:Brides often are, I'm told.

Buttercup:  I do not marry tonight. My Westley will save me.

            [scene: chapel]

Impressive Clergyman:

            Mawwage. Mawwage is what bwings us togethew today.
            Mawwage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within
            a dweam.

Voice:      [distant] Stand your ground, men, stand your ground!

            [scene:  outside the castle gate]

            Stand your ground!

Fezzik:     I am the dread pirate Roberts! There will be no

Inigo:      Now?

Westley:    Not yet.

Fezzik:     Many are here, I am here. But soon, you will not be

Inigo:      Now?

Westley:    Light him.

Fezzik:     The dread pirate Roberts takes no survivors! All your
            worst nightmares are about to come true!


Impressive Clergyman:

            And wove, twue wove, wiww fowwow you fowevah--


Fezzik:     The dread pirate Roberts is here for your souls!

Voice:      Stay where you are! Fight! Stay where you are!


Impressive Clergyman:

            So tweasuwe youw wove, --

Humperdinck:Skip to the end.

Clergyman:  Have you the wing?

Buttercup:  Here comes my Westley now.


Westley:    Fezzik, the portcullis!


Humperdinck:Your Westley is dead. I killed him myself.

Buttercup:  Then why is there fear behind your eyes?


Westley:    Give us the gate key.

Yellin:     I have no gate key.

Inigo:      Fezzik, tear his arms off.

Yellin:     Oh, you mean this gate key.


Impressive Clergyman:

            And do you, Pwincess Buwwercwup,--

Humperdinck:Man and wife! Say man and wife!!

Impressive Clergyman:

            Man and wife.

Humperdinck:Escort the bride to the honeymoon suite. I'll be
            there shortly.

Buttercup:  He didn't come.

            [castle corridor]

Count Rugen:Kill the dark one and the giant, but leave the third
            for questioning.

Inigo:      Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my
            father. Prepare to die.

            < Rugen runs away behind a locked door >

            Fezzik!!!!!! I need you!!!!!

Fezzik:     I can't leave him alone.

Inigo:      He's getting away from me, Fezzik!!! Please!!! Arr!!!
            Fezzik!!! Aaargh!!

Fezzik:     I'll be right back.

Inigo:      Arr! Arrgh!< Fezzik breaks door down > Thank you.

            [a different corridor]

King:       Strange wedding.

Queen:      Yes. A very strange wedding. Come along.

King:       < Buttercup kisses him > What was that for?

Buttercup:  Because you've always been so kind to me, and I won't
            be seeing you again, since I'm killing myself once
            we reach the honeymoon suite.

King:       Won't that be nice? She kissed me! < laughs >

            [castle stairway to cellar dining room]

Inigo:      Sorry, father. I tried. I tried.

Count Rugen:You must be that little Spanish brat I taught a
            lesson to all those years ago. Simply incredible.
            Have you been chasing me your whole life, only to
            fail now? I think that's the worst thing I've ever
            heard. How marvelous.

            [honeymoon suite]

Westley:    There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world.
            'Twould be a pity to damage yours.

Buttercup:  Westley! Oh, Westley darling! Westley, why won't you
            hold me?

Westley:    Gently. 

Buttercup:  At a time like this, that's all you can think to say,

Westley:    Gently! < thumps head > Urr!


Count Rugen:Good heavens. Are you still trying to win? You've
            got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It's going
            to get you into trouble someday.

Inigo:      Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my
            father. Prepare to die.



            Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my
            father. Prepare to die.


            Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my
            father. Prepare to die.

Count Rugen:Stop saying that!

Inigo:      Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my
            father. Prepare to die.

Count Rugen:No!

Inigo:      Offer me money!

Count Rugen:Yes!

Inigo:      Power, too. Promise me that!

Count Rugen:All that I have and more! Please!

Inigo:      Offer me everything I ask for!

Count Rugen:Anything you want.

Inigo:      I want my father back, you son of a bitch. < kills
            him >

            [honeymoon suite]

Buttercup:  Oh, Westley, will you ever forgive me?

Westley:    What hideous sin have you committed lately?

Buttercup:  I got married. I didn't want to. It all happened so

Westley:    Never happened.

Buttercup:  What?

Westley:    Never happened.

Buttercup:  But it did. I was there. This old man said "man and

Westley:    Did you say "I do"?

Buttercup:  Uh, no. We sort of skipped that part.

Westley:    Then you're not married. If you didn't say it, you
            didn't do it.  Wouldn't you agree, Your

Humperdinck:A technicality that will shortly be remedied. But
            first things first. To the death.

Westley:    No! To the pain.

Humperdinck:I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase.

Westley:    I'll explain. And I'll use small words so that you'll
            be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon.

Humperdinck:That may be the first time in my life a man has
            dared insult me.

Westley:    It won't be the last. To the pain means the first
            thing you will lose will be your feet below the
            ankles. Then your hands at the wrists, next your

Humperdinck:And then my tongue, I suppose. I killed you too
            quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to
            duplicate tonight.

Westley:    I wasn't finished. The next thing you will lose will
            be your left eye, followed by your right.

Humperdinck:And then my ears, I understand, let's get on with

Westley:    Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why. So
            that every shriek of every child at seeing your
            hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe
            that weeps at your approach, ever woman who cries
            out "Dear God, what is that thing?" will echo in
            your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain" means.
            It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in
            freakish misery for ever.

Humperdinck:I think you're bluffing.

Westley:    It's possible, pig. I might be bluffing. It's
            conceivable, you miserable vomitous mass, I'm only
            lying here because I lack the strength to stand.
            Then again, perhaps I have the strength after all. <
            he stands up > Drop... your... sword. < Humperdinck
            drops it > Have a seat. Tie him up. Make it as tight
            as you like.


Inigo:      Where's Fezzik?

Westley:    I thought he was with you.

Inigo:      No.

Westley:    In that case, whooooa!

Inigo:      Help him.

Buttercup:  Why does Westley need helping?

Inigo:      Because he has no strength.

Humperdinck:I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! I knew he
            was... bluffing.

Inigo:      Shall I dispatch him for you?

Westley:    Thank you, but no. Whatever happens to us, I want him
            to live a long life alone with his cowardice.

Fezzik:     Inigo! Inigo! Where are you? Oh, there you are.
            Inigo, I saw the prince's stable, and there they
            were, four white horses. And I thought, there are
            four of us, if we ever find the lady. Hello, lady!
            So I took them with me, in case we ever bumped into
            each other. I guess we just did.

Inigo:      Fezzik, you did something right.

Fezzik:     Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head.


Inigo:      You know, It's very strange. I have been in the
            revenge business so long, now that it's over, I
            don't know what to do with the rest of my life.

Westley:    Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a
            wonderful dread pirate Roberts.


Grandfather:"They rode to freedom. And as dawn arose, Westley
            and Buttercup knew they were safe. A wave of love
            swept over them. And as they reached for each other-

Grandson:   What? What?

Grandfather:Naw, it's kissing again, you don't want to hear

Grandson:   Well, I don't mind so much.

Grandfather:Okay. "Since the invention of the kiss, there have
            been five kisses that were rated the most
            passionate, the most pure. This one left them all

            [pause as Buttercup and Westley kiss]

            The End." Now, I think you oughtta go to sleep.

Grandson:   Okay.

Grandfather:All right. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. So long.

Grandson:   Grandpa? [pause] Maybe you could come over and read
            it again to me tomorrow.

Grandfather:As you wish.