From: "Usenet Oracle" To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. --- 817-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great wise Usenet Oracle...Who knows what Senator Exon REALLY > does with his free time on the Internet... > Please tell me, how will the new Telecommunications law effect me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I love you, you love me, } We're a happy family! } } I'm so glad you asked me your wonderful question! I always } love it when people ask me questions! There are many happy } children on the Internet and I am so happy to answer } their wonderful questions! } } You will find that the Computer Decency Act has not } changed anything on the Internet! } } You owe the Oracle a big warm hug and a subscription } to "Reader's Digest". --- 817-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will the Bulls win seventy games? Does Dennis Rodman > have a penis ring? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ** INTERCEPTED BY SEN. EXON ** } Sen. Exon: } I'm sorry, I can't allow this kind of language to be used on the net. } I'm afraid you'll have to come with me. } } Suplicant: } But! But! It was a private email! You can't do this! } } Sen. Exon: } I just did. This is an anonymous email, the worst kind. } } (Oracle hears comotion and checks on it) } Oracle: } Whats's going on out here? Keep it down! } (Oracle sees Sen. Exon and mumbles) } *mumbles something about god not creating politicians* } What brainless senators. *ZOT* } } Ah, a question! *reads question* } What brainless suplicants. *ZOT* } } You owe the oracle a copy of Doom with one of the monsters replaced } with Sen. Exon. --- 817-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > D00D! WH3RZ TH3 N00D G1F5!?!?!!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!11!!1!!!!111!!! > > PL33Z HURRY! I 0NLY HAV3 T3N FR33 H0URZ 0NL1N3!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *The Oracle mutters something under his breath about damn newbies* } } Listen, kid. I don't have the time to help you get nude GIF files to } drool over, ok? } } Geez. Not even a grovel or anything. } } *He glances over his shoulder, sighs, and leans forward, whispering } conspiratorially* } } But listen. I'm feeling nice today. All you have to do is grab a web } browser and point it at http://www.prism.gatech.edu/~vaps4dk -- the } secret word i... } } *BOOM* } *The door gets knocked in* } } FBI AGENT> Away from the computer. AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER! NOW! } } Wha... Who...? } } FBI AGENT> Hands against wall! NOW! } } Don't you know who I am? I'm the USENET Oracle! I'll ZOT you all to } he -- } } FBI AGENT> I don't CARE who you are. It's Communications Decency } pal... there's a law against pages like that! } } But... it's a fake page... there's nothing sexu... } } FBI AGENT> Tell it to the JUDGE! Get out of my sight. Alright, come } on, turn all these things off. NOW! } } *The agent reaches for the plug at the wall* } } Wait! No! Don't! It's just a big misunderstan@HE)@*@9u3(@#(!*! } (*&WE(@ } } Connection closed by foreign host. } } You owe the oracle a first amendment. --- 817-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, what's a <<<>>>? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A <<<>>> is a kind of <<<>>> which a lot of } animals/mammals etcetera have. They are not gender specific, so men and } women both have a <<<>>>. <<<>>> also happens to be } one of the "Seven dirty words" which are banned in most transmissions } (except autos and fluids). The other six are <<<>>>, } <<<>>>, <<<>>>, <<<>>>, <<<>>>, } and finally <<<>>> which isn't really all that bad, but is } impolite to use at parties. } } You owe the Oracle one <<<>>> of your <<<>>>.