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             Kissing Across The Gender Gap

   * Sending vibes
   * Kiss rejection
   * Kissing consensus
   * How to be a great kisser

That magic moment appears to be arriving. You've swapped life stories,
laughed together, shared a meal, sipped wine, even held hands while 
strolling in the moonlight. A connection has been established, and a 
spark of chemistry has flown. It's been a perfect first date, and as 
you sense the night drawing to a close, you begin to wonder how it 
will all end. A sense of nervous excitement overtakes you. Perhaps it 
should end with a kiss, but how can you be sure?

When it comes to the seemingly simple act of kissing, many of us 
experience angst and uncertainty. This is especially true for first 
kisses, when our own intentions may be unclear, and our date's may 
surprise us. In many ways our parents had it easier. They relied on 
gender-based protocols and societal romantic traditions. Gender 
liberation, as it applies to the do's and don'ts of kissing, has 
resulted in roles and expectations that are now even more unclear. And
while a kiss may still be just a kiss, and many of us continue to be 
aficionados, few of us now seem to be masters. Like most skills, with 
kissing, practice still makes perfect.

Women Send "Kiss Me Now" Vibes
While it may seem that most men make the first kiss move, in reality 
women usually play an active part in the process. A woman sends "kiss 
me now" messages in a variety of ways. She may stare into her date's 
eyes as a subtle look of longing crosses her face. She may move in a 
bit closer, touch her date on the shoulder or arm, wet her lips, and 
sigh in a barely audible and ever-so-slightly suggestive manner. Even 
more boldly, she may lightly run her finger across his lower lip while
smiling softly, or simply stare at his lips as the two of them move 
closer, so they are face-to-face and only inches apart.

If "kiss me now" vibes are to work effectively, then both men and 
women must participate in the process.  Women must flirt, letting the 
a man know his advances are desired and assure him that the interest 
is mutual.  In many ways, it is the woman who makes the first move.  
Men, in turn, must pay attention to the subtleties of communication. 
When invited to do so, they should slowly move in, testing the 
romantic waters as they go.

Men Still Bear The Brunt Of Kiss Rejection
Most men will be able to recall at least one kissing disaster, 
probably a time they misinterpreted a situation and tried to kiss a 
woman who didn't want to be kissed. Some got the "head turn," only 
milliseconds before their kiss would have landed, and ended up 
awkwardly planting a wet one on her cheek. Others may have had the 
unfortunate experience of watching a look of disgust cross the woman's
face. Either way, these are not uplifting experiences.

Although women bear some minor risk as they send "kiss me" cues to 
men, it is the men who generally bear the greatest risk of rejection 
associated with first kisses. Because of this, men tend to err on the 
side of caution, preferring not to kiss a woman unless they are 
certain she wants to be kissed. Men often report receiving mixed 
messages, or an inability to decipher a woman's clues. Many would 
prefer that women give them a verbal OK; something as simple as a 
whispered "I wish you would kiss me," will do the trick.

Today, most men would prefer that women share the risk of rejection 
associated with a first kiss. It excites them, in more than the 
obvious ways. And many women are more than willing to move in for a 
first kiss. Some believe if they don't take the initiative, they may 
never be kissed at all.

Kissing Consensus - Where The Genders Meet
Eyes opened or closed? To tongue or not to tongue? And what do we do 
with the rest of our bodies when we lock lips? Surprisingly, most men 
and women seem to agree on many of the following kissing 
practicalities:

No tongue on a first kiss. This is seen as something similar to sex on
a first date--too much too soon and a lot of sexy subtleties end up 
being missed. Eyes open for those long, lingering gazes that lead up 
to a kiss, but then closed when the two of you get too close for 
visual comfort. Looking farsighted doesn't enhance your 
attractiveness. When appropriate, kiss with more than your lips. 
Touch, let your body be part of the kiss.  Run your fingers through 
his hair. Pull her closer to you. Embrace each other. Communicate, 
especially when kissing problems occur. Do so in a positive, 
non-judgmental manner. Tell each other what you like.  Better yet, 
show each other.

How To Be A Great Kisser
The key to great kissing is to simply relax. Let go and allow yourself
to be swept up in the sensation.  Remember, you can't think your way 
through a great kiss. Instead, simply allow yourself to experience it.
While some degree of kissing skill may be beneficial, the best 
kissers are those who are willing and open to the possibilities. Let 
your lips convey what your heart is feeling. Remember to stay away 
from any predefined gender roles. Assert, explore and submit 
indiscriminately.

Enjoy those charged moments before a first kiss. Linger in the 
excitement and uncertainty. Allow the desire to grow. While you may be
tempted to get the first kiss over with and move past your feelings 
of nervousness, don't do it. There is something very sexy and alive 
about this time. If the two of you should end up falling in love, you 
may never experience that first kiss feeling again. Enjoy it.

~Trish McDermott

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